Freak Show (Carnival Series book 1)

Chapter 10

I ran through the streets, weaving my way around families walking with their children. I came upon the river Trevor and I had sat at earlier today, and found a bench. I sat down on the bench and put my face in my hands. I didn't need to see to be able to know that people were staring. I had to hold back the sobs while my tears slipped from my eyes. My life is just so confusing right now. I went from hating Trevor, to being forced to do things with him, to almost dying, to him kissing me. I didn't say he could, but I didn't stop him. Yeah, I thought he was really  cute when I first met him. But then he was a jerk, so my mind got rid of that option. 

I honestly didn't forgivie him. He has yet to come up with an acceptable apology. Yes, the one he already gave was pretty good, but I can't get over it. I'm mainly confused as to why I allowed him to kiss me. I got rid of any feelings I had for him. I forced myself to hate him. Were those thoughts always there, just buried below the surface? He's so adorable, and I would so date him. If I didnt already remove the idea of it. 

I sat up and looked out at the river. Two ducks, a girl and boy, were swimming around together, quacking in delight. Across the river was a couple seated on a bench, laughing with each other. And for some strange reason, I wanted that. I wanted the joy that they got just by being with one another. I want to feel the thrill of knowing someone cared. So why couldn't I just get over my resentment towards Trevor? He wanted to be that person. I want that person. All I need to do is allow him to do that. What's keeping me from that? 

I felt a hand on my arm. "I'm sorry." Trevor says. I don't look at him. 

"No, I'm sorry. I ran away. You've done nothing. I was rude. I honestly am flattered, Trevor. Honestly. I just don't think I'm ready to let you kiss me and stuff yet." I say all of this to him, without looking at him once. His hand was removed from my arm, yet he remained quiet. I look up, searching for him, but he was walking away. He had already made it to the bridge. I watched him closely, wanting him to come back, to keep me close. But it's too late. I already turned him down. I can't change my mind.  I hurt him. Badly. So even if I did, he wouldn't accept it. He's given up, just as I had that first day.  His slim figure began to get smaller as he walked, and so did my hope. I regret saying that, and I want him to come back. 

Tears burned the brims of my eyes, threatening to spill over. I blinked them away, only for them to return. I need to get over him. I need to not worry about a boy, who loved me, but kept it a secret by putting up a hateful front. I need to forget that he ever called me beautiful, that he ever kissed me. So much has happened in one day, its overwhelming. The cool breeze whipped my hair around, making it a huge mess. I tried my best to contaiin the hair, but the wind would mess it up again. I got so frustrated, I began to cry. I know, crying over messy hair, but with the events of the day, it's not so strange. I stand up to leave, the sun burning my eyes. Sometimes I wish it wasn't so sunnny out. I walk as slow as I possibly could, doing my best to not break down into a puddle of tears on the sidewalk. I keep my head hung low, avoiding all eye contact. 

I came to my house, and walked straight to my room. I flopped onto the bed, face first. It hurt my nose, but I didn't care. I finally allowed myself to cry. The blanket became soaked from my tears, and my nose was running. Ew. I got under the covers and shut my eyes, trying to force myself to sleep. But I couldn't sleep. There were too many things on my mind. And it's only 7:30. My body was still awake, but I was mentally exhausted. Eventually, I fell sleep. 

Finally, an escape from this nightmarish reality.