Johanna's Confessions

Chapter 4 Day 3

A/N  Hey i hope you are enjoying what is being written, if anyone is actually reading this. Okay anyways constructive criticism and advice will be taken if given. Don't be afraid to comment i wanna know what you think. Thank you so much :) 

-Mesmerizedbyyourlies 

Today is my first group session, and I am truly terrified. London told me last night it won't be that bad. I still can't believe I made a friend. Its crazy, well I guess than I am crazy too. Anyways I pull myself out of my warm bed and over to my shelf. I pick out a pair of skinny jeans, it being winter, and a plain grey sweater.

First I walk to the table in the day room, where Nurse Blue was talking blood presser and temperatures. After she gets mine I walk over to the circle of chairs that have been assembled. I sit down next to London, she then gives me a quick squeeze on my leg for support. Taking a few deep breathes as Dr. McCormick comes in and joins us, he sits next to two kids who I don't know. A boy with hair so blonde it's almost white and a girl with hair in her face clearly occupied with something in her head. 

Dr. McCormick clears his voice and we all turn our attention towards him. He looks down at his clip board and says, "Alright I know you all probably don't want to share why your here, so instead lets say our names since we have a new comer," he gestures towards me, "and go from there." 

The boy with blonde hair starts first, " My name is Harvey, like Harvey Milk. Without the gay part."

They go down he line with more names 

"Sarah"

"Dawn"

"Michael"

"Janey" 

London gives me a look before she says her name, "London, and no I am not named after the city so stop asking."

I take a deep breath in and sigh, "My name is Johanna."

The rest of the names have no meaning to me, but then the boy from my first day says his name. It's the first time i've heard him talk. He looks up at me and says  "Marc." and than he immediately looks back down staring into his socks. After the name sharing, McCordick spouts some crap about how its important for us to get along or some shit like that. I don't really know, I zoned out looking at Marc. 

        After the dumb group session we are allowed to sit in the day room, and talk or whatever. I sit alone in a chair by the window. I loe when he snow falls, its so peaceful and calm. London went to therapy with some lady who I didn't recognize and she has been gone for like an hour. I stare out the window looking for anything to look at, the snow falls slowly down and it covers the ground in blankets. I hear a noise to my left and I turn to see Marc sitting there next to me.

I look at him not sure wether or not I should smile, I don't want to scare him off. He just stares at me his eyes laced with pain, he reaches out towards me and I don't pull away. Marc touches my bandages on my wrist and traces them up and down. I don't try to stop him I just look into his beautiful hazel eyes. Marc's eyes were almost the same as his eyes, but Marc's told so may stories. Stories of pain and longing.

Nurse Blue yells "Boundaries" and he pulls away and looks down at his feet. 

        When London gets back Marc and I are still sitting there in silence. We hadnt talked since Nurse Blue yelled at us so we just sat there. Looking at our feet. 

London sits down next to me and says "Have you had an appointment yet?" I nod my head no, She says "You will soon, and hey" she leans in close, "Tonight meet me in the bathroom.". She than gets up and leaves. I was about to turn to Marc and stare at him some more when I hear,

"Johanna, come with me." Oh crap it's McCordick. I get up and walk over towards him and follow him into his tiny little office. I sit down in the comfiest chair in the room. He slides into the chair behind the desk. And we sit like this for about five minutes while he is going over paper work.

He then clears his throat, must be a habit of his, and says "So, how are you?"

I just sit there and stare at him, with that 'are you fucking me' look. I say "Peachy."

"Alright, so I will be your primary therapist. You will see me twice a week on Wednesdays and Fridays. So since it's Friday you will only see me once and than Wednesday, I will see you. Lets get to it, I want you to tell me why you think you're here." He finishes stretching back in his chair and interlocks his fingers. 

Sighing, I look at him for about a minute and then for some reason I say, "Because I didn't lock the door to the bathroom. I don't know who found me, I don't really care why i'm here. I just messed it up, but next time i'll end up in the morgue don't you worry." 

"Your mom was the one who found you, after seeing blood coming from under the bathroom door. She opened it to find you lying on the ground bleeding out. A bottle of sleeping pills in your hand, the pills where every where. Why do you want to die?" He asks like he actually cares. 

I snort, "Like I would tell you, you wouldn't understand. You don't know me. Besides it doesn't matter. Let me as you a question. Why are you here?" 

He leans closer and puts his arms on top of his desk, "I'm here because I chose to be. And maybe if you told me I would understand, you don't know me either."

"Fuck you." I say and stand up to leave.

"We still have 15 more minutes, you can stay if you want to." he says looking down at his paper work. I walk out of the room and slam the door. 

The tears start coming from my eyes. That bastard who does he think he is. He doesn't know me and he never will. Like he could ever understand me. What I've been through. 

I walk back to my room and lie down on the bed, drifting into a dreamless sleep. I am just floating. Floating.