Johanna's Confessions

Chapter 6 Day 5

        I didn't sleep at all last night, I couldn't help but think what I did wrong. Why wasn't I good enough. That's never happened before, guys have always wanted me. Well maybe no at school, but when I would go partying they were all over me. Maybe Marc is different, maybe he is a good kind of guy.

I have to go to see Dr. Johnson. She is going to take my bandages off and check my cuts. But first is breakfast.

We all walk down the hallway to breakfast together. Marc acts like nothing happened between us. I brush my hand against his and he pulls back from me. Why do I fuck everything up? 

After breakfast, I walk down the long corridor to Dr. Johnson's office, Nurse Blue trailing behind me. She escorts me every where, i haven't been cleared to travel anywhere alone yet. Once I enter the room I notice that is plain, with a few diploma's hanging on the wall. Nurse Blue motions towards the table to sit on. I take a seat, and I can feel the paper crunching under my weight. Dr. Johnson enters with a digital scale in hand. 

"Good day, Johanna." She says all smiles, "I am going to ask you to stand on the scale facing away from the screen."

I do so and stand on the scale, feeling like it will break under my weight. It beeps and I can hear her scribbling down some numbers. She then measures me, she says "Good," and scribbles some more. She takes my temperature and checks my ears. Does all the things a good doctor should do.  

"Okay, it's time to get thoughts bandages off and see how you arms and legs are." Her domineer is so friendly and nice, unlike the cold doctor in the ER. She takes scissors to my bandages, the metal cold against my skin. The gauze peels off my skin almost like a band-aid but I don't feel any pain. I am numb. 

She sighs, "They said that it was bad, but I didn't imagine this. You really did a number on you self.". 

        I look down to see the dark brown stitches laced across my arms and thighs, blood staining a little bit on my left leg. I am about too touch my leg stitches when she shoos my hands away , and applies a cleaning solution. I don't feel that either, some drips down my leg making a line. She looks down with sad eyes, my scars criss crossing my legs and arms. Disfigured shapes and shaky lines of purple and tan show my past. My pain. 

She applies some spray bandage and than says, "Well you are all set. If it turns purple or anything come see me. The stitches should be out soon." she turns away from me and than looks back, "Oh and if it means anything. I believe you can beat this." 

I stand and walk out of the room. If only she knew. I dont want to beat this. 

        Walking down to lunch I notice Marc isn't there, but London is. I grab my tray and the lady behind the counter puts a glob of what is suppose to be food onto my tray. When I sit down, London sees my  facial expression. 

"I know its gross, but it's full of calories so it fattens you up. Eat up string," London says to me as she takes a big spoon full. "It helps if you take it all at once, then its not so bad." I nod and take a bit myself, she's right I can feel the calories filling up my thighs and stomach. Turning me into a cow. 

"Where's Marc?" I ask looking around making sure i didn't over look him. 

London chuckles a little, "Your little boyfriend is with the doctor. It's his family session." She takes another spoon full of the mush. "Poor sap. I hate family sessions."

"How long have you been here?" I ask as I push my tray in front of me and place my arms on top the table. Trying to us all my techniques to not eat food.

"My, my your just full of questions today," London takes a sip of water, "going on four months. But I only have three weeks left, before I start out patient treatment. Besides this is my third time here. So like in totally i thing ive spent over 12 months in all. Maybe like 15 months.". 

After that I sit there stunned, how the hell could some one stay here that long. And it being her thrid time, he third time aback in this hell. I mean we are already crazy so what are they trying to pull.

After lunch I am given the best present of all time: Home work. I spend the rest of the day trying to figure out algebraic expressions. Marc still hasn't come back, I hope he is okay. I hope he hasn't left me here alone. 

~2:00 am~

I haven't slept at all, I feel like an insomniac. I usually Can sleep but I can't stop thinking about Marc. I want to feel him next to me. I want his lips on mine.

I slip out of bed and I am almost out the door when I realize i'm not wearing any thing but under wear. I throw on my hoodie from earlier and sneak out the door. The fat nurse is snoring behind the desk, so I know its safe. I open the door slightly and sneak over to Marc's bed. He's not in it. 

The door creaks a little when I open it, but the fat nurse doesn't stir. I look both ways and scurry like a scared cat back to my room. But just as I am about to open the door, the light in the boys' bathroom is  on. I know it's Marc. I know he is in there. 

Walking into the bathroom I see a hoodie laying on the ground. Marc's hoodie, the one he never takes off. The one that hides all his secrets. I turn the corner and see him staring into the mirror, his cheeks tear stained. I walk closer into the view of the mirror. He doesn't stir.

Suddenly I am next to him pulling off my hoodie exposing my stitches  and scars. I look into the mirror and see my body is covered in dark lines. I than look to see his arms, two lines rising vertically lining his whole fore arm. A tear spills out of my eyes. I wrap my body against his. 

The next thing I know we are both kneeling on the ground I am embracing him in a hug.

I whispering "Everything is going to be all right. I will protect you."

I feel his arms slowly come around me and pull me closer squishing our bodies against one another. We stay like this for a long time. It felt like forever.