Johanna's Confessions

Chapter 10 Day 9

I have to go see McCormick today for a 'formal' therapy session. Yesterday was just like a surprise thing since he got my shoes and I can only use them with close super vision. As we aren't allowed to have shoes with laces, you could hang your self to something like that. I don't know where you would hang yourself as the their are no curtain rods or shower rods. They are all built into the ceiling. Anyways after breakfast, I am going to McCormick's. 

I walk down the white hallways with the rest of the unit, London on my left and Marc on my right. I really have to talk to Marc, he needs to explain why we cant be intimate. He is a maze.

After breakfast I walk into McCormick's office and I sit down at the chair directly across from his. He looks up at me and then scribbles some things down. He than looks at me and takes off his glasses. I don't think they are really glasses. But I could be wrong. 

"So how are you?" He asks, like seriously. How the fuck do you think I am. 

I give him a look. 

"Okay never mind. So I read your chart from the female doctor who looked at your scars. You want to tell me about the first time you cut?" McCormick asks, i know its not really a choice so i have to answer him. 

I take a look around the room before i start, "The first one was on my wrist, i saw a boy on the bus with one. And thought, why don't i try that. I started with just one but i couldn't control it. I laced my wrist and than eventually my arm in a criss cross of red. After that i would cut when i needed to." I trace the scars on my arms. 

While still looking at my arms i hear McCormick sliding his sleeves up. I look up to him and see the brown scars on his arms. Words carved into his skin. The word that stands out the most is Faggot. 

"Why does it say-" I start to say before he cuts me off. 

"Faggot? Well once i got into my mothers make up and well you know put it on. My step brother found me and from than on i was branded." He says looking me in the eyes the whole time. That is one tough man. 

"I didn't know, i feel so bad now like a jerk or something." I say looking down at my hands. 

I can hear his sleeves being pulled back down, "You should always treat some one with respect no matter what a person has been through. Okay here's the deal: You tell me your story and i will tell you mine." I nod my head. I want to know everything about McCormick. 

I take a deep breathe, "This is going to take longer than an hour." He nods and i begin my story. 

I tell him everything about me. Even about what Tyler made me do to him. I hesitate at the bulimia part, "He use to call me fat and his friends would say so too when we were together. Tyler would encourage them into doing it," I pause to wipe my eyes, "I only wanted him to love me. He called me so many names, cow, fat, heavy, piggy. Everything you can think of he called me. The first time i did it i was scared and didn't really like it, but the second and third time i really got hooked. I mean i dieted but purging would help me if i binged or had to go to a family meal. Soon it became after every meal, even at school. I would use the bathroom right after lunch during 6th period, using the bathroom on the 3rd floor bathroom. No one would go there so i was safe. Just me and my secret." I conclude.

"What would you feel when you would make your self throw up?" He asks still writing down words on his clipboard. 

"Purging. It was glorious, it was like the weight fell off me. I mean my motto was 'Skinny or die'." My motto seems dumb now, i would rather live then die. 

He finishes up writing, "Okay so that will finish our session for today." 

I look at the clock 4:00, we started at 1:30. "Hey, you made a deal." I say eyeing him from across the desk.