Johanna's Confessions

Chapter 5 Day 4

I wake up feeling like shit, last night I met London in the bathroom and we had a smoke. It was nice, but i didn't get much sleep we stayed up and talked. We talked about normal things like, school, boys, and food. I know I hate it, but I can't help but talk about food. Anyways today I will have to see a nutritionist and we are gonna talk about my weight and shit like that. 

At breakfast I sit next to Marc, for some reason he helps me through it. I haven't cried as bad as I did the first day, but tears still manage to slip through. Today I can have cereal so I chose the off brand frosted flacks with low fat milk. I bring my tray over to were Marc is sitting, and something weird is on his face.

He is smiling, I let out a little giggle while looking at him. His smile just gets brighter. After breakfast we all go back to the day room for group. 

McCormick comes in and starts us off, "So today we will going around and saying why we are here. I know that is a hard part of our group  therapy but it will help us all learn to heal. Let's start with London."

London looks around with that 'who me?' look, I can't help but smile, "Well my sister found me hanging in my closet and started CPR and brought me back. Aparently I puked all over her favorite shirt or something like that. So I ended up back here, for the third time in a row. I had started mixing my meds with some LSD. I started tripping, like really bad. And the only was out was in a body bag." I look down in disbelief I didn't know she had tried to kill herself, I thought she was her for like drugs. Well I guess technically she was here for drugs, just not the way I thought.  

"Okay, uh-that was very good London, we can all talk a message from her. Don't ever mix drugs and medication.And don't ever do drugs in the first place." McCormick says. "Alright, how about you Johanna? Why are you here?"

"I-I..um. I slit my wrists and thighs and-uh then took a whole bottle of pain killers. I just wanted it all to stop." I stumble over my words and I let more go than I wanted.  McCormick just nods and than asks Marc to share. 

Marc looks up from his feet and then looks back down, "I thought that if you slit your wrists vertically you would die, but clearly I was wrong." Those hazel eyes pierce into my skin as I see a single tear fall down his cheek. London was right, all he says is cryptic shit. The rest of the sharing was a blur I couldn't stop staring at Marc, yearning to know more. 

I walk down to the nutritionist office. It's full of those motivational poster with the little animals. It was cute, but also kinda tacky. She weighed me and measured me and than we sat down to talk. 

"So , Johanna how old are you?"

"15", I say looking down and swinging my feet off the edge of the table.

"Well, you are 5'6 which is a good height for you age, you may even have a few more inches in you. And what do you think you weigh? What is your ideal weight?"

I think for a second before answering "I think I'm like 112, and um 95 or 93. You know Nicole Richie only weighs 88 pounds."

"Does she really poor girl. Anyways, Johanna, when was your last period?

"Um, a few days ago. It stopped right before i came to the hospital" She writes something down, I dont know if she saw through my lie. I stopped getting my period.

"Do you know what anorexia is?" She asks adjusting her glasses.

"Yes"

"I believe you have anorexia. Johanna you weighed in at 92 pounds, you are fifteen years old. I am surprised you haven't passed out before. I am staring you on a strict diet, you need to gain at least 15 or more pounds before you leave. I will be giving this information to  Dr. McCormick. I will see you next week." She finishes. 

I get up stunned, the tears stream silently down my face. But I'm to fat to be anorexic. No way I'm 92 pounds, she is just trying to trick me. I look down at my humongous thighs. Why would she do that? I bet she's just jealous of my youth. Why would she taunt me like that? 15 pounds, why would I try so hard to lose only to gain the pounds back. She must be crazy, crazier than i am. I don't want to  gain back all that I have lost. All my hard work, gone. 

The rest of the day was spent eating and staring at Marc.

Before I knew it night had appeared and we all had to go to our rooms. I walk to mine and talk note that Marc is room S32. I stay awake and dodge the night calls, I silently slip out of my room and open Marc's door and walk over to the bed.

I look down to see if he is awake and his eyes are open and wide. He doesn't even say anything he just sits up. And about two seconds later I smash my lips into his and we take a rhythm. He doesn't pull away and neither do I. He places his hands on the back of my head pushing our faces closer together. We proceed like this for a few moments when I feel his cold hands on my skin, I pause to take off my shirt. Then we start kissing again, I push my lips harder against his.

I slip my hands under his shirt and he suddenly pulls away. He moves off the bed and backs away. I just stand there and look at him. 

"I-i'm sorry this was a mistake. I think you should go." He says while he hands me my shirt. I stand for a few moments before opening the door and leaving his room. I sneak back to my room, and lie back down. I didn't sleep a wink. 

All I could think was, I'll never be good enough.