Turmoil | Spruceworth 5.1 (#Wattys2018)

Chapter 45

Chapter 45

Shaw

       I had a hard time sleeping the past couple nights. All I was seeing was what happened at Kendra's house. Me killing Roman.

       And getting away with it.

       Of course I didn't actually want to go to prison because of it but I couldn't help but feel guilty about it. Roman's family, as villainous as they were, lost two of their family members this year. And they were going to think both of them were because of me since not too many people knew I was only covering for Julian.

       If Roman's family was as angry as he was, I might not be done with people trying to get revenge.

       I took a few days off of work because I wouldn't be able to focus at all. If I was a server, I would be messing up the orders and if I worked in the kitchen, I would probably end up making the meals taste quite horrible.

       I hadn't even left the house much because I was so afraid I would get so many judging looks. They would only read what happened in the newspapers and online. They didn't see what happened. They didn't know what it was actually like.

       I was laying on the bed in my bedroom when the door opened and Holden walked inside. He closed the door before walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed. "Are you going to be in here all day?" he asked.

       "Of course not," I said. "I'm obviously going to leave if I have to use the washroom."

       Holden sighed. "Castiel wants you to play a game with him since nobody else wants to play with him. I mean, I will if he really does have nobody else, but he does want you to play."

       "I'm not a game type of person," I said.

       "So in other words, you're going to keep isolating yourself from everyone, even your kids," Holden said. "You've worked so hard to keep them, and now it's like you're pushing that away."

       "Maybe they would be better of staying with Kendra," I said.

       "Don't say that," Holden said. "They love being here and I know you love having them here."

       "They're living with a murderer."

       "Shaw, stop it. You are not a murderer. It was an accident. He could have killed you and Kendra. You know all of this. You gave this same advice to Julian when he went to you for help after the Cassidy incident. If you wouldn't call my brother a murder, then you can't call yourself one."

       I sighed and rolled over so I was laying on my back. "I stooped to Roman and Cassidy's level. I did something I never thought I would do and I hate myself for it. It doesn't matter what kind of person Roman was. I took his life away."

       "But you didn't do it on purpose," Holden said. "And do I need to say it again? He could have killed you and Kendra. He could have taken a mother and a father away."

       "Holden, you haven't seen what I was like a few years ago," I said. "I was horrible. Violent. An alcoholic. And all of those thoughts I had then just came rusing back. I was a lot worse than Roman is... Was."

       Holden laid down beside me. "That's in your past. Everyone goes through so many changes in their life so they can't always hold onto your past. And you are nothing like Roman. You're not even close to him. He was so fixed on revenge that he didn't care who he hurt. And you? You would do anything just to protect people you love, and even people you don't know well. You're an amazing father, an amazing husband, an amazing brother."