Yuri!!! On Ice Oneshots

Rhabdophobia

Rhabdophobia- The fear of being severely punished or criticized.

*TRIGGER WARNING!*  

This story is from the perspective of Yuuri Katsuki as he is experiencing a panic attack. I recommend to extremely sensitive readers that you don't read this, as I do not wish for you to lapse into a panic attack yourself or being shaken on this graphic experience. 

This story, also, contains a lot of frightening imagery for all readers, so I recommend being cautious. If you find yourself feeling extremely upset and/or frightened, STOP READING. None of you should have to force yourselves to read this if you don't feel comfortable.

Thank You.

-Ella Kinders

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Yuuri remembers exactly what set it off, why he felt like he couldn't breathe properly, why he felt like the world was crumbling right underneath him, why he felt he would never be good enough for anyone, and why he felt like he should've been dead. Why wasn't he dead? Why did he stay around for so long? He was useless, a nobody, selfish, greedy, a coward, an idiot. Why was he still alive?

Yuuri didn't start off his day like this. Of course not, why would he? There were days that he would start it off like this, but Victor was always there to help him through it.

Not this time.

Not like he deserved Victor.

If anything, his day was fantastic. He woke up just a little before Victor and got to see his true love sleeping peacefully. When Victor did finally wake up, Yuuri was graced with his beautiful sea blue eyes, pulling him in and kissing Victor awake. Victor had smiled and held Yuuri closer, saying he would never let the younger man leave him so long as they both were alive.

It's not true. 

Victor would tire of him, eventually.

Just like everyone else was.

Just like everyone else did.

Training was normal today. And, by normal, Yuuri meant that, while Victor was trying to help Yuuri with his skating, Victor's own coach, Yakov Feltsmann, was yelling and trying to train Victor. Eventually, after being told the whole routine (with background accompaniment by Yakov), Yuuri went to practice on his own. In a little corner of the rink, Yuuri practiced the order of the jumps and steps that Victor gave them to him, trying to work out how doing certain jumps after this step would even possible.

It's so simple.

But, because he's so dumb, he can't even figure it out.

Victor could, and he's having to memorize his own routine. 

That he made himself.

Yuuri can't even do that. 

Yuuri can't even choose his own music.

He's not worthy of Victor.

After practice, Victor had taken Yuuri out for a nice date. They ate at a local restaurant near their apartment, and wandered the streets slowly, enjoying the cool night air. Yuuri had asked Victor if he had any comments on how Yuuri was practicing the new routine. Victor could only disappoint him and say that he wasn't watching. Yuuri pushed away the bad thoughts and offered to show them at the rink at that moment. So, they went to the ice rink.

This was a terrible idea.

Why was he so dumb?

Victor didn't care.

It all went downhill when Yuuri was showing Victor and screwed up a step.

That's when it all fell apart.

Now, Yuuri was on the ice, holding his head, squeezing his eyes shut as they poured down tears, as he sobbed for no reason.

His chest was tight, restricting his breathing. The world was dark.

It was all his fault.

If he hadn't won silver at the Grand Prix Finals...

If he hadn't tried to cut tied off with Victor...

If he hadn't given Victor that ring...

If he hadn't accepted the kiss Victor gave him...

If he hadn't earned Victor as his coach...

If he hadn't met Victor in that hot springs bath...

If he hadn't been videotaped...

If he hadn't skated Victor's routine for Yuko...

If he hadn't gotten drunk in front of Victor...

If he hadn't started skating...

If he hadn't been born from the start-

Yuuri was, suddenly enveloped in warmth, his eyes open in shock. The tears were still flowing, but the person holding him kept wiping them away. So much blood rushed away from Yuuri's head, making him see clearly and not at all. This person was a good person, right? He was smiling, but panicked. Had Yuuri been hurt? Did the person just ask that, or did Yuuri ask that to the man? 

When he finally recognized the man holding him, Yuuri became confused. Why was Victor so upset? Tears were pouring down Victor's cheeks as well, but when Yuuri reached up to wipe them away, Victor held him close.

"Очень жаль, моя любовь. Я должен уделялось больше внимания.Пожалуйста вернуться, очень жаль..." Victor kept mumbling.

Yuuri shook his head slowly and leaned against him. "... Let's go home. Please?"

Victor smiled and nodded, helping Yuuri up and with his skates, then leading them home.

Yuuri is loved.

Yuuri is loving.

Yuuri deserves to feel good about himself.

He is not at fault for things he cannot control.

He cannot criticize himself so much when he knows that he can try again.

He knows he is not perfect for everyone.

But, sometimes, Yuuri needs to be reminded of what he really is, what he really deserves, what he is not blamed for, and who he is perfect to.

Everyone does, at some point.

Everyone does.

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Comment here for different story ideas you'd like to see.

Remember to be safe.

Remember to eat.

Remember to drink water.

Remember to sleep enough.

Remember to smile at your reflection at least once.

And remember that I love you, readers.

Love ya!

-Ella Kinders