Mushaboom • Daryl Dixon

4

Daryl

We made a home here, at the prison. And we worked to keep it. We lost people, T, Lori. I lost Carol.. And we almost lost Hershel. But we were making it, and that's what was important. I hated myself for not being able to do more for the ones we lost. I couldn't protect Carol. Just like I couldn't protect the two others I cared for with my whole heart. I lost Carol.. But I had to keep going.

Rick wasn't doing so well since he lost Lori, but while he was out figuring shit out, Glenn and I managed. Little Asskicker was being fed, and watched; we took turns caring for the baby. Despite it being a rough time, it was nice having her around. She kept us going. We had to keep going, we had to make this prison work. For her and for the ones we lost along the way.

While Rick did his thing, Maggie and Glenn took off on a run for ammo and some more formula for Little Asskicker. Oscar, Carl and I were sweeping the lower levels..

Carl.. I felt for the kid. He was tough as hell. He was strong, but losing your mom was never easy.. I asked him to come along, not just cause he was capable and we needed the extra hand, but cause I figured he could use a distraction.

As we worked our way through the tombs, I could feel him thinking. Last thing he needed was to get stuck in his head, like Rick had. It reminded me of how it was after I lost my Ma.. How quiet I was, how loud my thoughts were. I got stuck, and I kept to myself. But what got me out was someone being there.

She was there, and she helped me get through it. I didn't talk about it much after it happened. But when I had to talk about it, I had her.. I figured, if Carl needed anyone, to listen or to understand, it could be me.. Sometimes you just needed people. So maybe I could try. I had to do right by someone..

He was walking along, but he was far gone. I softly whistled at him, snapping him out of his thoughts. He looked up at me and I motioned my head forward, "C'mon."

I started on about my mom as we cleared the hallway and cells. Memories of that day flooded my thoughts as I spoke.. Chasing after the kids on their bikes, playing with them cause Merle was gone. Running past Rachel's house, seeing her smiling and waving. The sirens. Me chasing the kids while they rode off hoping to see something worth seeing.. everyone's eyes on me..

Carl was quiet, but I could tell he was listening. I continued, "It was my house they were there for.. It was my mom in bed, burnt down to nothin'. That was the hard part. You know, she was just gone. Erased. Nothin' left of her." I paused for a beat. I hadn't talked about my Ma in years, but it was just easy to talk about now. I mentioned how people said it was better how it all happened. Her just being gone was just better that way. I scoffed with amusement at the thought, "I dunno.. Just made it seem like it wasn't real, you know?

I was gonna continue, but to my surprise, Carl sighed and stated without missing a beat, "I shot my mom."

His words hit me like a blow to the stomach. I could only stare at him; I waited for him to continue.

"She was out. Hadn't turned yet." He swallowed as if processing and accepting what had happened again. He stared me down, his eyes were hard, yet heavy, "I ended it. It was real."

I looked away. It was all too fucking heavy. And I felt shitty for even trying to relate. What I had gone through was rough, but what Carl had to do was a nightmare. Something on an entirely new level of things fucked up in this world.. It wasn't fair.