Who I Used To Be (Karma X Nagisa)

I Hate Myself

Nagisa Pov

After Karma's parents left we started laughing uncontrollably. We laughed about the fact that we both love eachother but are too nervous to do anything about it. We laughed about the fact that his parents came in. We laughed about anything we thought was funny.

"Come sit with me. We can watch some good YouTube videos." Karma said. I went to sit next to him on the hospital bed, getting comfortable quickly. We started off with watching CDawgVA videos which somehow turned into watching Jacksepticeye, Which somehow turned into watching CinemaSins, which somehow turned into watching anime, which brought back to CDawgVA. I call it the circle of youtube.

We eventually fall asleep watching AMVs of new and old animes.

(AMV is [no lie] my initials. I wonder if u guys could try guess my first and middle name.)

~TimeSkip~

It's been a couple weeks and me and Karma still hang out like normal. After he got out of the hospital we all went for ice cream.

We haven't brought up anything about our liking for each other, and honestly I like it. I'm stressed about how things will go once we do initiate anything. I'm scared of how others will react. I'm scared of what my mom would do to me, what his parents would do to him. I'm scared that if we were to initiate anything that if we ever stopped the initiation then would we still be friends. I'm scared that I would be a horrible boyfriend. I'm so scared of everything. So for now, I like Karma and Nagisa, bffs.

I'm laying in bed thinking about all of these things, as more things pop to mind. Does he not like me anymore? Does he feel the same way I feel? Why would he like ME of all people he could get? I'm the most shy, girly, intimated, ugly, and depressing boy he could have. I hate that I like Karma, he probably deserves better. Poor guy has to live with the fact that I like him. I hate that I love him. I hate myself.

I need to try and get some sleep, but as soon as I opened my phone a saw a text from Karma

Karma- Hey ;3

Nagisa- Hey...

Karma- What's wrong

Nagisa- Nothing, hey I need to get sleep, see u tomorrow.

Karma- Goodnight...?

I put on some music on my phone and tried to sleep, but I couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hate that Karma has to put up with someone like me. I should help him, by staying away. Yea. I cried myself to sleep.

~TimeSkip~

4:00 in the morning I wake up screaming, I don't know what nightmare I was having, but I was crying and sweating like crazy, but I was still cold. I put the blanket on top of the comforter, and tried to sleep again. No luck though. I walked to the bathroom to take a shower at 5:30 in the morning. Still thinking about how much I hate myself. I hate myself for not being good enough for Karma, I hate myself for being the person I was before. I hate everything about myself.

As I get in the shower I have this idea, now no one said it was a good idea, I mean truly it's a horrible Idea, but I pull out the Razor and let it sink into my skin as deep as it can, into my thighs. I do this a couple more times down this leg, and then down the other leg. I sit down in an ocean of regrets and sorrow that used to be shallow water but is now filling higher and turning a dark shade of crimson. I cry a bit more. I cry until the water turns cold.

I stand up and turn off the water and drain the overflowing tub. I clean out the blood on the walls of the bathroom, and get dressed. I make sure to put on bandaids and put on my school pants. I walk to school alone and sit in the empty classroom. No one is here yet and I'm sure Kouro Sensei is asleep. I lay my head on the desk and finally sleep.

Karma Pov

I walk to school alone for the first time in a while, Nagisa didn't text me back this morning and I'm a bit worried. So I'm leaving a bit sooner then normal because I couldn't just sit around. When I get to school I see Nagisa sleeping on a desk, no one is here, so I go up him and kiss his forehead. I smile at his adorable sleeping face and think about how perfect he is. Everyone else starts coming and I wake up Nagisa.

What I see next saddens me. His eyes are puffy and his eyes are redder then normal. I can tell he didn't sleep much and that he was crying.

"Hey, you ok?" I ask him "Ah, yea."He smiles and I can tell it's fake. It makes me sad, and my new goal is to get him to feel better.

Everyone else gets to class and Kouro Sensei starts class. We learn about quadratic formulas and diamond problems. How to attract someone close to you in order to kill them. Then we had PE and we had a relax day. Just played some basketball.

Nagisa wasn't being himself today, so while I was playing basketball I threw the ball at him. I dont think he was paying attention cuz he didn't catch it. It did a hard crash on his upper thigh. He directed his attention to his legs that were now bleeding. I ran over to him.

"Nagisa! Are you ok?! Im so sorry! Let me take you to the nurse!" I panicked. I Picked himmm up and walked him to the nurse.

Once we got there the nurse saw Nagisas bleeding legs. She had him take off his pants and what i saw nearly have me a heart attack.

I saw the cuts of a razor blade all the way down from his top thigh to his knee.

Hey guys. I know its Easter Fools day, but here is some sad sad content. I love you guys my little Karmagisa Tribe.