Fear of a Name

Chapter Forty-Four: Hogwarts is Safe

As soon as we got to his office, Lupin placed the map on the desk in front of me. I read the words that had appeared on it, sure that Snape must've tried to get it to reveal its secrets.

'Mr Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.'

'Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.'

'Mr Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a Professor.'

'Mr Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.'

I looked up at Lupin and raised an eyebrow.
"Ivory, what do you know about this map?"
I sighed quietly, then launched into an explanation of everything I knew.
"Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs were the nicknames of four students who went to Hogwarts. Remus Lupin—" I smiled slightly as Lupin gave a small start "—Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter. The nicknames came from the fact three of you were illegal animagi. Peter was a rat, Sirius was a dog, and James was a stag. They became animagi to make the full moon more bearable for you."

I paused for a second, then continued.
"As for the map itself, it shows the location of where everyone is in the school, if opened correctly. If someone tries to read it without knowing how—" I indicated to the map, where the messages from Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs were still showing "—clearly they just get insulted."

There was a short silence, then Lupin said, "How do you know all of this?" He was obviously impressed.
"Considering who my father is, I'm surprised you're even asking that," I muttered.

There were a few more seconds of silence as Lupin tried to think of what to say to that.
"But surely he wouldn't tell you..."
"I hear things I'm not supposed to hear," I said with a sigh. "Things he only tells his most loyal followers. And then most of the time he finds out I've heard them. And then he gets mad at me."
I went silent again, remembering the punishments I'd received each time he'd found out I knew something I wasn't supposed to know.

Lupin winced slightly.
"Ivory, why do you keep going back to them?" he asked, noticeably concerned now. "Why do you keep risking your life?"
"Because if I don't, they'd hunt me down and kill me for sure," I said, my voice barely audible.
"Then stay here," Lupin said, sounding like this was the most obvious thing in the world. "Hogwarts is safe."

I gave a short, humourless laugh.
"Is it safe? Really? Was it safe when Sirius Black cursed me last week? Was it safe when he attacked the Fat Lady and then me on Halloween? Was it safe when Snape made me cut this—" I pulled up my right sleeve to show the scars that said 'I must not defend mudbloods and half-breeds' "—into my hand? Was it safe when one of the Dementors tried to suck out Harry's soul? Was it safe when my mother showed up and literally kidnapped me in the Christmas holidays?"

Lupin didn't say anything.
"It's not safe," I said quietly. "Nowhere is."
"Then hide."
"I can't spend the rest of my life hiding from my problems," I said, shaking my head slightly. "I can't hide from everything I'm scared of." I looked down at the scars on my hands and muttered, "I'm not even supposed to be scared."
"Not supposed to be scared?" Lupin said, sounding confused.
"Fear is a weakness," I said quietly. "Emotions are a weakness. Weaknesses are bad."

Lupin sighed quietly.
"Ivory, as I've told you before, you're not weak for showing emotion."
I shook my head. Mother had always made it very clear that showing emotion deserved punishment, that it made me weak.
"No. You don't understand."
"Maybe not completely," he admitted, "but I do. I think I understand more than you realise."

I shook my head again, then said, "You don't. You can't. We have very different lives. You can't truly understand something you've never experienced."
"But I know what pain and fear is."
I pulled my right sleeve down over my hand again.
"Not this kind of fear," I murmured. "Fearing for your life every time you do the smallest thing wrong. Every time you show weakness. Every time you say the wrong thing, or stand up for someone, or for no reason at all other than that your mother is bored and wants a toy to play with."

There was a short silence as my words sunk in, then he said, "Ivory, I have the fear every month that I could accidentally kill someone!"
"And I have the constant fear that I could be forced to purposely kill someone," I muttered. "Anyway, you've got your potion now. There's no potion to stop your father being the darkest wizard alive, or one to stop your mother being a complete psychopath."

Lupin rolled his eyes. "Ivory, this is not a competition."
"I'm aware of that," I said, sighing quietly.
"So let me help," he said. "Stop pushing people away."
I shook my head sadly. "I can't. When people help..." My voice trailed off and I chewed anxiously on my bottom lip. "When people help, bad things happen."

Lupin frowned slightly.
"When have I ever hurt you?"
"That's not what I mean," I muttered, looking down at the desk. "Last time someone tried to help me—" not counting Sirius, because nobody knows he actually helped me before, "—my father..." My voice trailed off again as the green light seemed to flash before my eyes. The last person who'd tried to help, the one before Sirius, had been a Death Eater. She'd also been 'taken care of' by Father when he'd found her bringing food and potions down to my cell after I'd been tortured.

I gave a small sigh, then said, "There's a reason I can see the thestrals."
Lupin looked at me sadly.
"Ivory—"
He was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Come in!"
I quickly pulled out my wand, tapped it on the Marauders Map, and muttered, "Mischief managed."
The words from Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs slowly faded away, leaving just a blank parchment. Lupin gave me a grateful smile.

I'd just finished stuffing my wand back into my pocket as the door opened and Professor McGonagall walked in.
"Remus, I need a word—" she glanced at me "—but if you're busy, I can always come back later."
"It's fine, I'll go," I said quietly, shaking my head a little.
"Are you sure?"
I nodded, gave the map a last glance, then left.
Well that was... interesting.

(A/n: I'd just like to say thanks to IzTheUnsociableOne because she basically wrote quite a big proportion of Lupin's dialogue in this chapter because I completely failed at it 😂)