30 Day Challenge

Day 19: Thoughts of sorts

(it's now eight in the evening)

Today has been a kinda crappy day. I got up a wee bit late (at three in the evening, lol whoops) because I didn't actually sleep until four in the morning. I really need to change my sleeping pattern. I think I ought to do something physical during the day to exhaust myself enough to sleep at an approriate hour in the evening. I wonder If I could actually aquirre such a habbit. That would be awesome. 

Anywho. I was meant to do my maths today but I have yet to properly begin as yesterday I made some with Chris and today she wrote me on facebook about sending it to her (which I already had so that was a bit confusing) And I logged into facebok and everything kinda just went downhill from there... Another of my friends messaged me too and two hours later I was still on fb. Then tumblr. Then my dad got home and immediately complained that I had been doing nothing all day and wanted to (angrily) discuss how I don't take it seriously enough with school and exams and how I am oh so immature. I went to my room and locked the door. Dinner was mildly awkward.

I don't think what my dad said is true though. at least not entirely. I realise that school and exams are of utmost importance, but I can't deal with it because of all the pressure. It's just so stressful and upsetting even thinking to days ahead into the future. worrying about how life is going to be like in years, is almost life-destroying. There is no way on earth that I could do all the things everybody demands of me. I will fail and that's that. It's just that my dad haven't understood this yet and only urges me more and more everyday to live up to all the expectations. I would cry about it, but I feel like I have done that enough in the past. Now everything is about the future.

I am becoming encreasingly aware of all the sharp objects surrounding me. In particular needles as those used to be my weapon of choice. But what good can two minutes of distractions do me when the price is a scar for life? I suppose it depends on the length of the life. But I haven't given quite up yet. hopefully I'll make till at least the end of my horrible education.

I think alot about being homeless these days. I feel like my future most certainly lay somewhere in the gutter. But how does one prepare for homelessness? I suppose I ought to start saving my money more than in the past and then look around for where there are shelters and where you can buy cheap blankets and backpacks and such. And how do you get water? That's the question. I really prefer thinking about these sorts of things so much more than how to get a job and how to pass my exams and how to live up to all those fucking expectations. Already I feel slightly less ...numb? If that makes sense. Boredom and numbness are my internal enemies. Pressure and expectations are my external ones. Neither can I really fight properly. Things like books and tumblr can most often keep boredom and numbness at bay, but weapons to fight the exceeding pressure? I don't think those exist. Unless again distractions count? In which case there are a few things that can make the mind wander.

Hmm I'm clearly not in a good mood and the last thing I'd want is to bring others down with me. 

I just had some strawberries! Strawberries are some of my favourite berries :)

From here where I'm sitting in my room I can see the reflection of the blue sky outside. It's quite beautiful. Only a few clouds and a conifer are obstructing the view of the baby blue, but it only makes it more idyllic. The sun will be setting soon bathing the landscape of conifers and rooftops in reds and purples. It's a very trivial occurance, something that I think is taken for granted every day, but it makes a wonderful and romantic picture. It makes me smile to look at the setting sun when I can block out the other things of my day. It's a sure sign that night and sleep is to come and even if you can't sleep the equally beautiful view of moon and stars could keep you company. I like to look at the sky. Almost as much as I like to close my eyes and pretend I'm sleeping when I can't.

(I was trying to change the topic to something more comfertable, but I don't really know if I succeeded...?)

But for now I think I'll let this be the chapter for today! Have a lovely time dear reader of listener or whoever or whatever you are! :) I hope I haven't depressed you too much...