Finding Her Happiness

CHAPTER THIRTY

I laid on the old bed I used to sleep on in Chris' parents house.
I was stuck,more like my brain was stuck going into a downwards spiral as I over thought everything of what could've been.

Depression is a serious thing.It's like you are stuck in a corner of the darkest place of a room and everyone is talking,laughing,and filled with life all around you.And its like you have cancel out headphones on so you cant hear anything at all and your just sitting there with the deepest frown on your face.

For two days I have been sulking as I was still in Chicago when I know my life waited for me in Atlanta.
It wasn't healthy for me to sulk like this.And if Chris knew I was going on like this he would try to cheer me up.

I sighed..I need to go to the gym.
I thought as I threw the covers over off of myself.

"Watchu gonna do when you gonna get outta here?"I asked August as he drew on the wall with some ugly ass crayon that was old.
He shrugged his shoulders.
"My dreams is to get into the music industry....but that ain eva gon happen I got ta think realistically so I dont know."He said honestly.

"Watchu gon do?"He asked.
"My girl is already gettin a head start on our clothing business and im gonns keep making designs and she and her team gonna keep making them come true than they gonna sell them."I told him.

"Who's your girl?"He asked confused.
"Oni-,neva mind."I said remembering.
"Mhmmm,I still dont understand why you did her like that,she beautiful,smart,and she a freak, but nah you say you still in love with your ex than leave her heart broken so now she officially done with men and want to just stay with women."He said thinking out loud.

"Aight chill man I get it,but it won't even matter anyways she going to Atlanta."I told him.
"Fa what?"
"For actin and shit."
"Damn she just do anything that girl can rap,act,draw,and make clothes."

"Yeah she got some gifts foreal."I said as I began thinking about her as I began looking at the magazine's but I saw a page missing from one.
I raised an eyebrow looking around as I seen it on August bed.I smacked my teeth and looked over at him.

"Nigga I know damn well you ain take one the pictures."

"I like the way the bathtub look I was tryna figure out if someone put glue or milk in dat bitch."He lied as he began tilting his head looking at the picture.
I shook my head not even caring anymore.

"You gon stop fantasizing bout her."I told him.
"Why cus you love her?"He asked.
And I thought long and hard.Did I?Or did I love Karruche.

"Nigga just say yes already bullshitin like you don' love her more than Karruche,cus I found it real crazy that you choked a bitch you was in love with."

"You right im just confused on some shit right now."I said brushing my hand through my hair.

"Yeah well you need to get it together before it's been to late."He told me.

I was using one of the bicycles at the gym as I moved my legs the quicker my thoughts went in my head.
I had my ear buds in as L.E.M.O.N by Rihanna and Nerd played through my ears.

I was becoming annoyed cus niggas thought it was okay to watch a bitch cycle just to get they dick hard.
And I was this close from snapping if another buff ass nigga walked up to me asking for my number.

Like I don't even got time for them.Whats the point of me entertainin one in Chicago if im gonna be in Atlanta.

I cycled faster as the thought of me losing my baby came to mind.
How will I tell Chris?
Maybe it just wasn't meant to be becuase he already has one child on the way and plus im too young to have any children.

I slowed down on the cycling machine as I took my ear buds out and grabbed my gym bag as I began walking out.
"Hey baby haven't seen you in a while."I looked up seeing minute man...wait five second man.

"Nigga I ain yo baby Karruche yo baby"I told him.
"I know your jealous cus you see me with her."
"Tuh this nigga tellin jokes now."I said going about my way.
"You'll come back,they always do."He said.I held up my middle fingers looking at him as I paced back wards.

Before turning around and walking to my car as I was headed back to the house.

After I finished from showering l
was wrapped up into a towel as I grew bored and began painting my toe nails.

My phone began ringing and I could tell it was the juvenile detention center calling.
"Hey Chris."I said smiling.
"Onika I love you , and it ain no bestfriend kind of love I was stupid and blind to even think about loving Karruche I know where my heart really is now."He spoke.

And I bit my lip in thought as I fiddled with the covers.
"Onika?"
"Are you sure that all you want is me?"I asked.
"Yeah."
"Im uh glad you feel that way about me I still dont know what love is to tell you that I feel the same way im still trying to get there Chris,hang on you only tryna do this to get them private visits again aye?"I said with the island in me comin out twoards the end.

He laughed.
"Even though I liked that visit but nah it ain like that..."He said as he began explaining everything to me again.
Tell him Onika...tell him.
"I lost the baby."I blurted out.
"W-what what do you mean?"He asked sounding confused.
I took a deep breath.
"I-I had a miscarriage Chris and I ain even know I was pregnant."My voice croaked as I began wiping the tears.

"C-Chris?"
All I heard was the beep on the phone meaning he hung up.I curled myself into a ball as I began crying again.
He hates me.
He hates me.
I thought over and over again he probably thinks its my fault .

"Its all my fault."I whispered to myself..