Happy Anniversary.

5. Alone Together.

Once the two had finished poking fun at me, they returned to their meals. Twice, Austin tried to make me eat, but in all honesty, I did feel sick - not that I would have eaten the greasy fast food if I hadn't.

They finished about ten minutes later, and while Alan was none the wiser, Austin gave me a look that showed...disappointment. I felt my chest sink. Always letting someone down, Gaskarth. Once again, well done. "You ready to go home?" He asked me. I nodded eagerly, excited to see Jack face to face. It was a full-blown schoolgirl crush I had for him, and I couldn't help but hope he felt the same thrilled nervousness that drove itself through my veins.

Of course he isn't nervous to see you; that would imply that he cares about you.

Alan's skinny arms wrapped around my frame. "See you tomorrow, Alex!" Then, much quieter, in a whisper only I could hear, "Thank you for not telling anyone. You'll get through whatever's happening right now. I believe in you." Pulling away before I could reply, Austin came up behind us, keys jingling in his hand. Alan made his way to Austin's side, giving him a chaste kiss on his cheek. "I'll be waiting for your payment when you get back...sir." He told Austin cheekily before bounding up the stairs, laughing at the awkwardness he had caused his lover.

"R-Right, well, let's get moving, 'kay?" He stuttered, face flushing. I held back my own laughter and followed him outside, grabbing my bag from where it sat right beside the front door.

In the street lit roads, snowflakes raced one another silently to the ground. The only sound within miles was the muted crunching of Austin's boots and my Vans - which I was now realizing was probably a bad choice - through the already laid snow. I was shivering by the time I reached Austin's old, beat up Impala, although it was only about twenty feet away from the front door. As soon as the car was turned on, I was blasting the heat, not caring that it wasn't my car. "Sorry, I'm freezing." I apologized.

"Maybe if you took care of your body, you wouldn't be so cold." He whispered apologetically. I didn't respond, having nothing to say. I knew he was right, but somehow, I couldn't really find it inside to care too much. Instead, I let him continue, his voice rising as he spoke. "Alex, you're so skinny. I bet you don't weigh 110 soaking wet. You're killing yourself. I know you see it. I see it, Alan sees it; hell, I bet your parents see it, as often as they're not home!" I bit my lip, puncturing the delicate skin to keep from crying. He was right; he was so absolutely right.

It doesn't matter if he's right. At least if you die this way, you'll die skinny.

Keeping his eyes on the road, as if he couldn't bare to look at me, he laid a hand on my knee. "This isn't want Tom would want, and you know it. He'd want you to be happy." Austin knew Tom; he counseled him for awhile, even. He was probably one of the most effected people outside my family by his suicide.

Still, I said it. I was angry and hurt and frustrated, so I said it. "Well, he's not here, is he? No, he's fucking dead and there's nothing any of us can do about that! I hate him for it, you know that? I really do. Why the hell wasn't I good enough for him to stay? Oh, wait, I'm not good enough for anyone, which is why you should just let me die." I laughed, tears rushing down my face. I was hysterical, I knew it. I should be going to some asylum, where I can get locked up and waste away for the rest of my pathetic life.

At least we're on the same page, here.

Austin's lips pressed into a thin, hard line. He removed his hand from my legs a focused on driving, effectively silencing the rest of the drive to my house. I realized I was the guilty party in this case - I had broken that god-awful unspoken rule where you just don't talk bad about the deceased. At the moment, however, I didn't care. I didn't want to apologize, because it was the truth that I so desperately needed to say.