A few days later...
The fact that my mom was no longer here was starting to sink in and I tried to be strong for everyone but I can't. I can feel myself slipping into a dark place and I can't climb out. I haven't spoken to tommy in days and he keeps ringing me, I just stare at it I know that I really like him but I cant let myself like him.
It is like I can't do anything and even the smallest things is just effort, "Angel can you go up the shop and get some milk" my nan called. I dragged myself off the bed and trudged downstairs, " I have to?" I said. "Yes you do you need to get out" she told me handing me the money. I sighed and walked out the door shutting it behind me, I was raining now as I dawdled to the shop.
The bell of the shop door tinged as I grabbed the milk and paid for it, it was heavy rain now as I walked home. A car drove though a massive puddle soaking me, "what the hell!" I shouted as they swore at me. I walked past the park as a group of about 4 girls started yelling stuff at me, they were obviously drunk as one yelled at me."Hey emo kid looking a little wet" they yelled as I ignored them and carried on walking.
"Hey you we are talking to you" they said following me, I walked faster but one of them grabbed me. "Get off" I said as they span me round and pushed me against the wall, "I said get off me" I said pushing one of them to the floor and running up the street. I quickly unlocked the door and stumbled in breathing heavily, I got my breath back and placed the milk in the kitchen.
I pulled out my phone and dialed Tommy's number, he answered after 3 rings. "Hey Tommy sorry I haven't rung ive been busy" I said, "im assuming you decided you now want me" he said. "No I said ive been busy" I said, "yeah well you clearly didn't find time for me I kind of have to go I'm going out" he said hesitantly. "No its not like that Tommy and you know it" I answered, "yeah well im not just there to be picked up and then dropped you know. I get that you have a lot of stuff going on but I cant be a substitute friend im done" he said putting he phone down.
I threw my phone across my room as it clattered to the floor, I put my head in my knees and quietly let out a suppressed sob. Then I did something that I would never have done, I looked up as something shiny caught my eye. I stood up and picked up the cold metal blade, I pressed it against my skin with shaking hands. I took a deep breath as I slid it across my arm as crimson seeped out of them, It felt good like a release from everything I didnt want to feel.
I dropped the blade and Lent back against my wall just letting the blood drip down my arm, someone knocked on my door as I jumped and wrapped a tshirt round my arm and pulled a jumper on. I opened it and saw my nan, "hey thanks for getting the milk are you ok you look like youve been crying" she asked. "Im fine I just got a little harassed on the way home by some crazy gang and now Tommy hates me" I said.
"Im sure he doesnt anyway I need your help, we need to start the funeral arrangements" my nan said as I remembered my mom was gone. "Sure" I said quietly as my Nan smiled, "im just going to the ladies room meet me downstairs" she said disappearing up the hall.
A few weeks later.....
I watched as the dark black car pulled up outside my house, the neighbours all stood in their front gardens with single roses. Roses were her favourite flower, I pushed the curtain back and leant my back against the wall biting gently on my lip. I traced my fingertips over the new cuts etched into my pale skin, "Angel come on the car is here" my nan called her voice thick with held in tears.
I caught a glimpse of myself in my bedroom mirror, pale and thin with dark circles under my eyes that stood out massively against my skin. I slowly walked downstairs and out the front door, I felt arms over my shoulders as I looked up to see my Nan.
I pulled away and walked towards the car that held my mom, flowers covered the white box she was in. I saw the flowers we ordered, a big bouquet with roses and gerbras. People from where she worked had some and Tommy and his family. He wasn't here but he had promised he would be, I guess he really did hate me.
"Are you ready?" my grandad asked as I nodded and slid into the car. The car pulled up the street as the neighbours threw the roses onto the roof of the car. It was only a short drive to the church. My grandparents linked hands as Nan held mine as the car pulled into the church forecourt.
We slid out of the car as everyone waited outside, I'm sorry for your loss was repeated over and over like a stuck record and I was getting tired of hearing it. I wandered off alone and found myself under a tree on a bench. I'm not sure quite how long I sat there for but I heard someone call my name as I turned round and saw my Nan walking towards me.
"I wondered where you got to, we are going in now" she told me as I walked towards the dimly lit building and felt the stares of everyone on me...
