‘1 October 2013
Dear Liam,
So yesterday my new room mate came. Bitch. I really hate her. She didn’t want to tell me her name, like what the fuck. But Megan told me it’s Lindsey.
She’s a total bitch. But I’ll just ignore her. I’m here for myself. I have to get out as soon as possible.
We just had our first sesion, I don’t like the others. There are three others with anorexia, I’m the only one with bulimia. I feel really alone.
They know me. This one person recognised me. Now everyone knows I am ‘Lilly from that One Direction dude’.
It’s like I’m back at primary school. I don’t really get bullied. I just get ignored. I don’t have friends. Althought I really want to. And try to. It isn’t nice to be back at school again.
I didn’t like it there.
I miss you. I really wish I had your arms around me right now. I need you right now. I wish I could call you again. I loved to hear your voice. I like your voice. I could listen to you all day.
I miss those days when we just sat on the couch and talked to each other. I liked the days when you didn’t know about my problems.
Remember the first time we slept together, I just sleepwalked to you. I knew it meant something. I walked to you when I was unconscious, that had to mean something.
I miss you. I have never missed someone in my life. Well, I didn’t like it when my cousin moved to Canada, but the feeling I have now is much worse.
It is really hard to keep seeing that light. Because of that light I went to you and the others to say sorry. That small voice which says I can do it, that says I deserve it.
That voice is almost gone. The light is almost off. There is only darkness inside of me. That’s how I feel. Dark.
It is hard here, so I have to be out of here as soon as possible. I am trying my hardest to get out of here. I can do it.
For you’
Die brieven voor Liam werken. Door deze brief weet ik dus hoe ik me voel. Donker. Depressief. Maar ik moet hier weg. Ik ga hier niet vijftig weken blijven zitten zoals Zee. Over tien weken ben ik hier weg.
Ik leg het papier weg en ga slapen. Lindsey ligt nog niet in haar bed, ik heb geen idee waar ze is, het is al bijna elf uur.
*
Ik word wakker van een soort van gekreun ofzo. What the fuck. Ik ga rechtop zitten en doe de lamp op mijn nachtkastje aan. Ik kijk naar Lindseys bed. Holy shit. Ze ligt op haar bed zonder broek terwijl ze zich aan het vingeren is. Ze merkt niet dat ik haar zie.
