Satisfied(Lams/Modern AU)✔

t r o i s

 This song ^^ is my current motherfucking obsession so please listen to it because UGH ITS SO GOOD. I love the word "Fortify" for those of you whom don't know by the way. Enjoy.

----------------------------------  I jolted up while hearing a loud thud from the floor beneath me. I looked around seeing that I was alone in bed. I fell asleep with Alexander, what is with him? I saw my remote realizing that's what the noise was.

I stood up and walked downstairs frantically but quickly saw Alexander sleeping peacefully on the couch. I smiled and walked over to him, I started to caress his face, which turned out to be quite hypnotizing. I ran my fingers through his hair. "Goodmorning to you too." I was surprised by the sudden speech, making me retract my hand. "No, keep going I like that." I laughed. "S-sorry.." I was suddenly grabbed by my collar and pulled onto my knees and into a passion filled kiss.

I without hesitation kissed back, It's almost like throughout this loving, intimate relationship from the past couple of days, I almost forgot about my depression. I pulled away after coming again to the realization that I was making out with a happily married man. I felt a pang of guilt shoot through my body. "What's wrong dearest? Did I do something?" Alexander asked with a concerned tone. "No, it's just that--" he cut me off. "I'm still married?" I nodded shamefully.

"Hey, it's okay. I get it. Do you not want to do anything intimate until this whole divorce is through?" He offered while placing a hand on the side of my face. "Don't divorce her..." Alexander looked confused yet lost within my eyes. "Why not? Do you not wish to be with me? Are you affectionate towards someone else?" He asked frantically while sitting up. I shook my head while sitting next to Alexander.

"No! I don't feel affection towards anyone other than you. I never have...I do want to be with you but I'm not worthy of your undivided love and attention." Alexander looked personally offended. "You deserve more than my lifetime." Alexander began showering me with affection.

He kissed me softly and trailed down my neck. "Alexander, please..." I tangled my fingers in his hair. he planted careful hickies along my jawline, eventually ending up near my ear. "I worship you." he finally looked at me and smiled. "I love you and I want to dedicate my time to you." I looked away shamefully. "Don't you love Eliza?" he sighed audibly. "I like Eliza a lot. So I'm attracted to my wife yes." I shook my head.

"You didn't answer my question." I felt his hands move down lower. "No longer am I romantically attracted to my wife, no." I looked at him with confusion. "You...you surely don't feel romantic attraction me do you?" Alexamder looked personally offended by my question. "Yes, I do. Romantic and Sexual." I blushed lightly.

"I love you very much, I would even go so far as to say I'm in love with you, Laurens." I tried to avoid eye contact but he always managed to look at me. "Are you alright my dearest?" I nodded and just accepted the fact that I couldn't do anything about him looking into my eyes, I just dealt with it. "I sense disturbance in an a calm sea blue ocean." I kissed him to prevent him seeing me blink repetitively, trying not to cry. I pulled away slowly. "I'll be upstairs, alright?" I felt him loosen his grip and allowed me to walk upstairs.

I walked into my office and sat on the floor, although used to living alone I never really cried. Ever. Although now I've just started sobbing with a hand placed over my mouth to attemptedly muffle the noises I made. I was met with my office door openeing and revealing Alexander, who gave me a sympatethetic look. I looked away embarrassed but was quickly met with Alexander on the floor holding me tightly. "I've got you my dearest. It's alright." I couldn't help but continue to cry, this time allowing myself to make noise. "It's alright. What's wrong love?"

I shook my head. "You wouldn't understand..." I mumbled. Alexander tightened his grip while wiping my face. "Well I could try." He assured. "I...I'm just depressed.." I explained. Alexander nodded. "I understand that. What's making you depressed?" I sniffled "i don't know.."

Why is he staying?

Why won't he just leave me alone?

"I love you John. I'm unsure that I feel this way about anything else. I'm actually disgusted with everything other than you." I couldn't help but smile. "I can't help but feel guilty..." I mumbled while moving to stand up but Alexander just pulled me closer to his chest, his right arm around my chest, his left arm stroking my hair.  I felt safe but not close enough to him for some reason.

"What do you have to feel guily about my dearest?" He asked while moving me to his lap and keeping everything else the same. I shook my head. "I'm ruining my best friend's life because I love him and he's definitely not in love with me, he-" Alexander cut me off. "Are you talking about me?" I nodded while placing my head on his shoulder. "My love, you're bettering my life. You gave me a home and you've given me love, I couldn't ask for more. I'm more than in love with you."

"But...Eliza, I've never seen you so happy-" he cut me off again. "I was happy, without a doubt, but I wasn't in love." He explained. I bit my lip. "I don't deserve you..." I started crying again, less aggressive with the comfortablity of Alexander. "Shh, it's okay. I love you so much, don't ever doubt that, alright? I have to stay married to Eliza for a while though..." I nodded and sniffled.

"We have to stay private my love but I'll take care of you, as long as you take care of me. I would never ever ask for anything more than simply what we have, I date Eliza publicly but my heart belongs to you, Sound good?" I nodded. I continued to cry for about an hour or so, Alexnader just continued to tell me it was okay and that he was there for me. I had finally calmed down and we sat in pure silence.

This comfortable silence was killed by Alexander. "Hey?" I hummed. "Can I tell you something?" He asked. I nodded. "Sure." "You mean a lot to me. You've always been there, and I love you for that, but most of all, i love you for being the person that you are, and I know being alive wasn't a choice that you made but, I'm thankful for it everyday...and I'm just happy that you wake up everyday Y'know? I uh...you're the best friend I've ever had. So, just, thank you." He ranted. I smiled weakly. "I love you Laurens." I closed my eyes. "I love you too." I just like that fell asleep, on the floor, with Alexander.