Northern Stars Are Flaming

You May Be The One

1976  

Stevie's POV

I sat on the floor of my shared house with Christine, in my bedroom, I heard her record playing from the other room, but my room felt empty, lonely and cold, tears  were streaming down my face, I was sick of crying, its all I seemed to do when I was alone.   Lindsey and I were over now, I had ended it! I felt bad, he was my first boyfriend and my best friend now he was so bitter  and twisted. I caused his pain, didnt I?      

But, We werent working, he had become so jealous and controlling, I couldn't handle it, he acted more like a father than a boyfriend, I was a free spirit, I wasn't an object for him to order around.  Christine had also spilt up with John and Mick was fighting with Jenny.  It was all so sad, the band was breaking us all and now we were making another album! How crazy!    

 I looked at my songbook that was sitting on my lap, even my tears had dripped on the cover of it.  I was sick of the sadness.  I hadn't felt happy for ages, I felt like I was being crushed, drowning in a constant, overwhelming sea of sadness, the only thing that helped was the drugs and the alcohol, I knew I was using and drinking too much and my use of the substances was worsening, I had to be drunk or high all the time to cope, I was burning out from the recordings and dealing with Lindsey in the studio, it broke my heart every evil stare or cruel words he shot at me.  He made out I was a slut to people all because when I dumped him, I said I was in love with someone else, but I hadn't been with anyone else, Don Henley had been hanging around though, inviting me to dinner but I couldn't go, I didn't want to lead him on, I was in love with Christine and maybe that was why I couldn't be bothered putting up with Lindsey's shit anymore. .

More made sense now and I was disgusted with myself, but how were my feelings were wrong, I loved Christine so much.   I had realised years ago as a young teenager before I was with Lindsey, I was attracted to girls as well as guys, which was frowned upon, bisexual was the new age term for it and I saw myself as that, unbeknownst to anyone. 

I felt ashamed when one day I found my brother's Playboy magazine  and I was intrigued to look at them, I was actually quite content looking at the near nude women and lusting over them, then, I felt so dirty even though I didn't feel bad for doing it.

My parents had talked about how sick they thought gay people were, my Dad had said, it wasn't as bad when it wasn't in your face but, my Mother had said it was wrong, women and men were meant to be together and the bible was against homosexuals.  I told myself I was being silly!    I talked to Robin about why I wasn't that interested in having sex with anyone yet, but Robin had said, maybe I was too young to think like that yet, even though she had, she said maybe I just needed to really know the person first, that conversation happened when I was fifteen.  

Then I met a girl at a dance class, Isla, she was a sun kissed, golden haired California girl.  She had a boisterous,  fun personality and a lot of charm, we soon became friends and I developed a crush on her, she wore a gorgeous  lipstick, that made her lips stand out, I wanted to kiss her. I remember we were up close one day, a staring contest or something and it was like we were about to kiss.  That was at the concert, then after that I never saw her again.     

I blocked this from my mind, then I had a fleeting crush on another girl who was dating Robin's brother.    Mostly though at sixteen, I fell head over heels for this beautiful girl, my other friend, Lorna, she had red hair originally but dyed it black, she had the most unique eyes I had ever seen, they were mesmerising like the moon, she was also into the same things as me, magic, psychics, reincarnation and all things mystical.  

  I dreamt about her, I wanted her, I fanaticised about marrying her, I was so disgusted in mysel though, only because of the world's view, as I got older I accepted it, it was me.  

But back then I was miserable about how could I love a girl and worst of all what if she didn't love me back if I made a move, but most of all how could people think loving the same sex was a crime?   I thought I loved Lorna, I wanted to spend my life with her!  Then I met Lindsey, at a youth meeting and we sang together, soon becoming friends, he was so kind and sweet.   He showed interest in me and somehow him and I got onto the conversation of homosexual people and Lindsey had no issue with them so I confided in him about Lorna, he was shocked but supported me and told me there was nothing wrong with liking the opposite gender or being bisexual, then I fell for him and thought we had the most connection like Romeo and Juliet.  

I hadn't made a move on Lindsey either, instead began rehearsing in the mirror how I was going to tell Lorna about my feelings, I had some fake black roses, I was going to give to her, black was her favourite colour I was going to say "Lorna, I really like you, I don't want to wreck our friendship, but would you be interested in being my girlfriend?"   I kept putting it off though, then Lorna was going to her school formal and had no date, I offered, she said maybe.  I was in with a chance, then all of a sudden, she had a boyfriend and was going with him. I lost my chance, silly me.    I became so depressed, I was a fool for thinking it was alright.    

Soon Lindsey and I joined Fritz together and we ended up becoming a couple.  Lindsey was already my best friend besides Robin, so I thought we were a match made in heaven,  Lindsey was lovely, gentle, kind and caring with me, I loved him.  

Our relationship had gone good until he slowly became more uptight over the years, the stress of growing up, moving in together, then the failure of our Buckingham Nicks record, the cracks began to show and after his father died, he became such a different person, almost hateful at times and he would get so depressed.    Now on our second album with Fleetwood Mac, we were over, deep down because had fallen for Christine.   I spent all the time thinking if I left Lindsey he would kill himself but Christine had seen how miserable I was, she noticed all the drugs I was using, how sick over drinking was making me, the same I did with her.

She said Lindsey was emotionally abusing me, like John had done with her at times and she also said we both deserved better, so we moved in together at the beginning of the storm that was making our second album, we understood eachother,  she was everything to me, she helped me work up the courage to leave Lindsey, because I thought leaving Lindsey was better than waiting until we hated each other, but I felt like he hated me anyway.

The whole issue was, I thought I loved Lorna and then Lindsey, but nothing compared to my strong feelings for my best friend and bandmate Christine.  I hoped she was alright, she hadn't come out of her room, since I got home, I hope she didn't suspect I loved her!  I worried she read my journal or some of my songs I had written about her.