Northern Stars Are Flaming

I Love You Like Never Before

Christine's POV   

I paced around my bedroom, I knew Stevie was back home, but I pretended I hadn't, with me loudly blaring out my first record 'The Christine Perfect' record, which I thought was wimpy, I needed to listen to it, I felt wimpy and like a love sick puppy,  finishing off the second bottle of red wine, that I was cradling, feeling the rich, bittersweet warmth rushing down my throat and enjoying the beginning of feeling drunk as I finished off another cigarette as well.  

 I was trying to drown out everything.  My mind had become an uncontrollable muddle of emotions with all the wrong thoughts lately.  I sighed and went a lit another cigarette soon puffing on it as the smoke filled my lungs, I couldn't get Stevie out of my head, no matter how hard I tried and fought against it, I had fallen for the twirling mystical woman.   

I mentally kicked myself, I wasn't angry, I always knew I had been attracted to well, people, mainly women! Everyone was a person, that's how I saw it, I didn't judge people on what they were born as or what society said.  I kissed my best friend, Tara-Lynn when I was only eight, she was a girl, from across the road, we were good friends and did silly truth or dare games, too see each other naked and things that would have been considered sexual if we were older.  She was a little older than me, maybe she knew what she was doing, she was the one calling the shots and I just did what she wanted because she was my best friend, but didn't think anything of the kind of kinky stuff we did, mainly what she did to me.  I was humiliated when my mother had walked in when I was standing with my shirt rolled up in front of Tara Lynn, she had been pinching my nipples but luckily she stopped the minute the door opened and I dropped my shirt, my mother hated Tara Lynn after that day though and said she was 'creepy' and 'weird'. 

 I thought it was bit weird as I grew older, but it was innocent really, even though eight year olds shouldn't really being doing that, she was the one who was pretty much in charge, but I liked it.  

Then as I grew older, my family hit hard times, my parents weren't very good, my father drank a lot and was often judgemental and over bearing.  My mother was often cold and withdrawn from everyone, I wasn't ashamed of knowing I wasn't the so called normal and I didn't really want to tell my parents how I thought I was a lesbian.

 So I often snuck out, into the city and bright lights and when I was fifteen, I ended up having sex with some guy called Anthony I had known when I was younger, I felt disgusting afterwards, he made me want to throw up when he kissed me.  He was a nice guy, I had been drunk, thinking if I got fucked by a guy, I'd be so called normal, but I ended up crying when I got home and I was sore from it, he was gentle but I wasn't relaxed, then I worried I was pregnant because we hadn't used protection, it was awful, I felt so cheap and then I got sick, that's when I didn't know if I was pregnant or late, I thought I was, but never had confirmation, I lost the baby anyway if I was and never wanted kids after that, didn't think I could either. 

 A few years later, after just focusing on learning to play the piano better, I found myself in a gay bar, soon drinking and was shocked to see an old school friend, Alice,  my first girl crush,   She told me how she had just split up with her boyfriend, I remember when she had hooked up with him, I was insanely jealous, I had put off making a move on her because I was nervous, even though I suspected she was curious about girls.  After a few cocktails and some LSD, we were soon in the ladies' bathroom. We kissed passionately, her lips tasted like cherry liqueur and we both ran our hands across each other and undressed. I soon had my head between her legs, not knowing what I was doing, just using my natural instincts and she loved it.   Then she used her fingers perfectly on me, making me feel alive as she made me feel euphoria like never before.

 We caught our breath and stared at each other, her eyes were like emeralds, the way they gleamed under the fluorescent lights, then we locked lips again and continued to explore each other.  This night stuck in my head, but it wasn't love, it was lust, a release from my shitty life and loneliness.  Alice was embarrassed next time we spoke and just wanted to stay friends, blaming it on the drugs and alcohol.  This was a big kick to my confidence but I pretended it was fine, I just thought I must have been really using at going down on her. 

Then I joined 'Chicken Shack' and met John McVie, a lot of the guys were good looking and John and I became friends, we ended up going out to dinner and were soon a couple because I wanted to love him, I did love him, he was good in bed too.

I did truly care for him and always would. He was funny, smart and talented, we also loved music.   We were only bold when we were drunk and had a lot in common, rest of the time we were shy and slightly awkward and married two weeks after we first kissed.

It was mainly rushed because of my Mother having cancer, I was sure at times my family all thought I was secretly a lesbian and after my brother had argued with my father, accusing him of stealing his naked women playing cards, my father had said he never stolen them and wouldn't.  So I was sure my father and brother knew it was me because I always stole stuff from my brother's room and I was sure my Mother suspected I liked girls too much too. 

I never thought I'd marry but who knows, too much wine made me agree and John's loving gentle face, also I thought it might make my live if I became the stereotypical English lady and doing what was expected, quitting Chicken Shack and trying to be domestic with John. 

 Years down the track everything had changed when I met Stephanie Lynn Nicks. She was like a fairy, beautiful, graceful, intriguing, kind, funny, mystical and truly unique. I was amazed by her that first night I met her at that Mexican restaurant when her and her boyfriend, Lindsey joined "Fleetwood Mac"  The more time I spent with her, the more I wanted her, I had fallen for her. I felt more for her than anyone ever before, she inspired many of my songs for the white album of "Fleetwood Mac".  I was constantly obsessing over her.  

John and I had begun to fall part too over the previous years, John knew how he thought I was a lesbian and said he thought it was sexy but then he would get angry too because I sometimes, well often, didn't want to have sex either and I hated giving him blow jobs unless I was drunk, I had trouble getting turned on by men, which made me realise and make peace with, the fact I really liked women.   

 But the stress and the drinking also made John become too much like my father when he drank and if I stayed with him, I would go completely bonkers.  It was the right decision after all our years together, we had changed.   It was sad but it was right and I knew I only could ever love him as a friend, not as the person I was supposed to spend my life with.   

Then I was drunk enough to let Curry Grant, the lighting director fuck me whenever I was high enough to just lay and think  of Stevie, I loved the girl, head over heels, she was what I wanted. I wanted to spend all my time with her, I hated how Lindsey treated her, I wanted to smash him one, I wanted Stevie, my body and soul needed her.  

I had never thought such love was possible until I got to know this amazing woman. I should see her, I didn't want to miss my opportunity, but then what was I thinking? As if that pretty angel would want me?   She was probably only into guys anyway, women like me were probably very rare and Stevie had plenty of men if she wanted them. 

She was a goddess, anyone would fall for her.   Why had she not been with anyone after Lindsey though?  Another part of myself told me maybe she was into girls, but I shrugged it off.   I opened the leftover bottle of whiskey, that John had left when he came over and we had sex one night, sometimes that happened too, I did need some form of release, looking at Stevie all day and all night, was too much at times especially when she wore her sexy black negligee, even I had glimpsed her in lingerie at times.  I felt shy even wearing baggy shirts to bed in front of her. 

I had thought too much and swigged some the burning liquor.  I wanted too see Stevie, now.  I got up and walked to my mirror "Stevie, I was wondering if you liked girls because I want you!" I said in a husky tone. Then feeling like a complete fool.   I tried again "Stevie, I have grown to really care for you like a man loves a woman!" was that too insipid?

Maybe I should just go over to her room and see how things panned out, yes, that's what I was going to do. I just wanted her. I knew that for sure.