Loving You

Chapter 22 - The Truth

"Saima and I used to work at the same smartphone store before I finished Uni though we really never became friends. Just colleagues. But then we were introduced to one another by a friend at a party and we went out on a few dates. We eventually got close and were thinking about marriage but we started fighting, I found out who she truly was, a gold digger and a cheater. She lied to people, she was lazy and unfaithful.

I got fired from that job because of her as her dad was the manager and he saw the increased tension between us. I finished University, feeling alone and sad as she was the only intimate relationship I had with another girl.

My parents never knew about Saima because I suppose, I was never too serious about her. So when my parents told me about wanting me to marry a girl from a good Muslim background, I thought after what happened with me and Salma, I was just agreeing to have a marriage of convenience, which I didn't want.

After they had introduced me to many young women who they thought were good for me, I got tired of rejecting. So I contacted Saima and told her about what my parents wanted for me and we agreed to marry in secret as soon as possible and I would reject any girl I was introduced to. I would also eventually tell them what happened and hope that they would forgive me. If not, I earned enough money for us to get our own place. Saima said she would change. But I met you and I instantly fell in love with you.

I had a change of heart and I broke off our engagement. I told her it wasn't working.  I will admit that when we met, I thought maybe because of her, I had rushed into wanting someone else in my life but actually, me and Salma took things so slow that we never wanted to marry each other out of love. But us, we did it as halal as possible and we moved so swiftly, sweetheart that I never found time to criticise which is good because  I love you so much, Zahra please forgive me, my love."

"Why does she want to marry you?" I sobbed quietly. "Well, as you can see, Saima isn't a very traditional girl but her family are very traditional people. They don't like the fact that their daughter strays from the path of faith, how crazy and wild she is. She thinks that by marrying me, her family will leave her alone and she will have a good life with a good husband who will let her do anything. Like we can pretend we are a happy couple but when we are not playing this charade in front of our families, we'll just leave each other alone and do whatever the hell we want, like cheat and lie. I didn't ever want that to be my life. This is my life with you."

"Did you ever, Umm you know." "No, we only held hands and hugged. She wanted to do everything with me but I wanted to only do that with my wife, the woman I truly love. The only time we kissed was today when she forced me to kiss her. I'm so sorry that you had to see that, sweetheart."

"How do I know you really want me?" "Because, My darling we are made for one another. Do you remember when we met to discuss the possibility of us getting married? You kept insisting that I cannot throw away my life for you, that both our parents would never agree to this union as my parents would be getting a disabled daughter in law and your parents were far too scared of having their daughter married, especially to a young man they barely knew.

Yet I kept insisting that I would do whatever it took to marry you, however long. Because from the moment we spoke, I couldn't get you out of my mind. I went home after we met in the coffee shop and told my parents then and there that I had found my bride. I told them that you were disabled so they were a bit concerned. At one point, my mum even said no and found an arranged marriage for me but I refused. She saw instantly how happy I was when I talked about you and how miserable I was without you. That's when she embraced the idea of her only son getting married to the woman he loves most, despite anything else.

Do you remember when I came to your house with both my parents and I met your family. I instantly felt comfortable and at home with them. When I then asked for your hand, they were definitely a little bit nervous but they saw that I would love you and take care of you. We have come such a long way.

I wanted you from the start. I've promised myself to you and I swear I'll never go back on my word. I will never hurt you again . I'm so sorry." "Why didn't you tell me about your past with Saima?" "Because I didn't love her. I didn't want to tell you and have you judge me or worse, hate me. She was insignificant in my eyes. I didn't want to tell you about something that I regret, I have asked for God's forgiveness and have moved on. I wanted you to love me for who I am now."

"How long were you in contact with her after our wedding?" "Umm well, she phoned and texted me on our wedding night and I ignored her. I texted her the next morning to tell her that I'm married so she needs to get out of my life. She tried to call me numerous times after but I blocked her."

"I think Saima was right; you don't really love me but pity me. I make you look and feel like a good person, i satisfy your parents requirements and you try and convince yourself that you love me, that I'm beautiful but we both know the truth, that after being with a woman like Saima, you wouldn't want me.

I always thought growing up, that I would never find love and get married so when a guy like you turns up, I was so happy. But I was wrong. You think Saima is bad. You are worse. You also married me to shut your parents up and get revenge on your ex." "Zahra please don't say that." Said Ali as he wiped my tears away. I could see my words had clearly affected him as tears welled up in his own eyes and he gulped then down with determination.

"Ali, listen to me. I forgive you because God has mercy on us so we must show the same to others. But I'm giving you the chance to walk away from me right now. Take it if you want. If you still want me, then please show me." I said, sniffling and wiping away my tears with my sleeve. "May God bless you and may He have mercy on my soul for the pain I've caused you and for even the thought of leaving you. May He punish me for the tears in your eyes. But know that I am yours for life. I'll do whatever you want, whatever you need to trust me, to love me again." Said Ali as he gently stroked my upper arm and gently tried to get his body a little closer to mine. "Please don't touch me tonight. I just want to go to sleep." "Ok, if that's what you wish. But please know that I am so sorry for what I did and I am not going to leave you ever, I swear."

We didn't speak after that as we were both feeling very emotional after a long day and all had been said so we didn't know what to say. We prayed our evening prayers and decided to get ready for bed earlier than usual. Ali went to the bathroom to change his clothes and I did the same on our bed. I changed into a long sleeved top with pj bottoms and put the duvet on. My head hit the pillow, I turned on my side, scrunched my eyes closed tight and tried to sleep. Ali came on to our bed and I could feel his hand gently trace my back but then realised I wasn't reacting to his touch and fell asleep.