Stigma #3 » k.th ✓

seventeen

"You sure you're alright now?" I ask for the last time when she lied herself on the couch, while I was trying my best to assist her in doing so. "I'll go heat up some water and prepare food, if it's OK with you for me to lurk around your kitchen, that is."

Her hand grabbed me on the arm, not letting me go. "Tae, first things first, I'm really sorry I let you down." Stayed down in my place and faced her.

"It wasn't your fault, remember? I told you that. Don't live your life trying to take everything as something you did wrong, when in fact, you didn't. I know you were just complying with him, but still, at least we got him captured now, right? That's all that matters. I'll go make something for you." With that, my feet led me to the kitchen and tried to gather the right ingredients in making soup or rice porridge for her, at least.

All of this must have been too much of a shock to handle in one day. Must be stressing out if Mingyo ever manages to escape prison. What he would do to her, which would obviously be so much worse than simply bruising - possible to even kill her in the process. Not gonna let that happen. I can't. I won't.

"Supper's ready, Clara." I turned the stove off and took a bowl full of the porridge, only to bring it toward where she was sitting.

"Tae, you didn't have to do this."

"It's a thank you, too, for letting me stay over." She grabbed the spoon I brought and tried it herself. My cooking skills may be basic and average, but it's sufficient enough to be edible.

"Never knew you could cook."

"You didn't let me before." I chuckled back as I watched her eat more, grabbing myself a bowl of the food.

Clara began breathing heavily, each spoonful of porridge encouraging her to do it louder, and once she wanted to get a second batch, she stood and walked over to the counter herself.

"Listen, about Jimin's girlfriend," Her attention went from the spoon and the bowl she kept herself busy with over to face me at mentioning the word. "Her name is Lisa. And for once, I want to be honest with someone; she's secretly my sister."

"OK, you almost had me there, Tae." Clara couldn't help but giggle at my assumed 'attempt' for the spill of information.

"No, I'm serious. Lisa's my sister, my only family, you could say. That's why I was so curious about Jimin. Even though he sees our friendship as something strong and worth labelling as 'best friends', it's my sister I'm talking about here. Of course, keeping her safe is my number 1 priority. Plus, seeing how you keep on reacting to your past about him is what worries me the most." It felt so good getting to release and tell her everything I've been keeping for my own. I've never felt more secured to tell anyone other than myself about me and Lisa. Our hidden relationship from the public. Partially failed on my part, but as long as nobody is bothering her, we'll be fine.

Clara took a second to take a deep breath, waiting for everything to sink in. “OK, why the hell would you need to hide your relationship? Are you embarrassed about each other or something? Is someone chasing you? And why, of all people, did she have to fall for Jimin? No offense on his part, I’m sure he knows that.”

“You tell me. They just saw each other at the party and somehow that started the spark.” More importantly, “Highschool rumors my date spread drove me to keep it a secret. I don’t want her getting in trouble because of me. I told the staff of university that before we enrolled ourselves; take it as a condition to get Lisa a scholarship, too.”

“Wah, can’t believe the staff would allow that in exchange for a scholarship.” Clara was totally taken by surprise at the information she never knew. “Then no one else knows about your relationship with her? Just me?”

I nodded, “Yeah. You’re the first one to know besides the two of us.”

“Oh, thanks for entrusting me with this. . .” Clara sighs, "Actually, why would you trust someone like me? Why, after all the neglecting I did to you from the start? And I almost betrayed you for my life."

"Why are you full of doubts? You had a really terrible past, I know that, but here’s what I can tell you, stop living in the past and live better in the present. You may take things for granted, but the day will come when you’ll wish you enjoyed the now rather than dwelling in the past. . ." I said too much, I may have freaked her out from the things I just said. But somebody had to tell her. “I’m sorry if I offended you, but you needed to hear the truth. Mingyo is locked up now. You have me. You can lean on me. Without having the fear of someone controlling you. Listen,”

I leaned forward and held her hand, squeezing them between mine. “I like you, and I cannot bear seeing you like this. So full of doubts and so afraid of commitment. I want to change that."

"I wonder how many times I have to let myself fall before I learn." Clara scoffs, looking away from me. "I’m sorry, it's not you I have a problem with. It’s me. I need to cope with my issues first before dealing with someone else again; before it gets worse again."

"And I understand that. I’m not saying you should go out with me right now, I just wanted to tell you. I'm willing to wait no matter how long it'll take."

"Tae, you don't understand; I’m not the person you think I am." Her eyes looked so desperately hurt yet at the same time, longing for a rather humane comfort she never received. "I’m too broken and so fucking twisted. I’ve seen every man in my life come and leave me for that. . .My emotional state is too messed up, I am telling you. You don't want to get mixed up with that."

"And I’m someone you think I’m not, Clara." I tried defending myself. "You’re not the only one suffering between us, nor in the world. We all have our own imperfection. The difference is how we tolerate that weakness. Either we accept and deal with it or let ourselves be consumed by it even more. It will ruin us."

It somehow started to sound like I was being selfish. But to be honest, I know how that feels, not wanting to be a burden to other people. That’s why my prideful thing would be helping and saving people for my own sake as well. I’m not saying she should move on right now, but should she keep on needing to think about what’s happened in the past, it can only disrupt her from continuing her journey in this life.

“Clara?”

She tried to take in everything. Every word I just said. But I didn’t mean any harm by it.

“I met Jimin while I was watching him in the field in highschool,” she starts.

“What?”

“He wasn’t playing. I used to always watch him from afar, being called names and being thrown stuff at.”

"Just what are you trying to say now?"

"Will you listen to my story first and stop interrupting?"

I raise my arms up, surrendering and let her take over the spotlight.

"I didn’t know it was Park Mingyo that was bullying him. The main bully, I could say. One day, I saw him all alone by the seats, and since nobody was around, I decided to sit beside him. He was the most adorable person I ever saw. . I’m not exaggerating. Not one bit. The first thought that came to mind when I saw the few scars and bruises on his face was, ‘why would someone treat him this way?’ I just– I couldn’t guess why. I didn’t ask him either on the first talk. It would’ve been weird.”

“Clara,” I called her.

And she looked up at me with that flustered look on her face.

“You love Jimin, don’t you?”

“I loved him, Tae. There’s a difference.As much as I’d hate to admit it, I really loved him.”

♠

posted APR 29 2018