December 10, 2014
I hate feelings.
December 11, 2014
We have the Pizza and Old Spice Tour coming up in a few days and guess who's coming along? That's right! Ruby! Isn't it fucking awesome?! Yeah, no.
Worst part about last night was that I got drunk, really really drunk. Everything was going wrong, Luke said that I was a crying mess, babbling about anything and everything until I threw up on him, again. I feel really bad because that's the second time and it always happens to him. He always forgives me though, and jokes about how I should puke on Michael so he can see my beautiful insides. It never cheers me up. Luke did make sure that I went no where near Michael though and you have no idea how thankful I am about that. There's literally no telling what I could have said to him.
So right now, I am hungover. It sucks, never do it. I don't like laying in bed all day, but it's usually my fault. Okay, whatever. The best part is that everyone keeps asking me why im wearing a hoodie, or a jumper when its a million degrees outside. What am I supposed to say? Usually I just shrug and say I'm used to the States' weather. They all can see right through it, I can tell, but I don't care. I wear my bracelets with my jacket just in case I forget or something but that's highly unlikely. It sucks though you know? It's hot and I'm sweating but I'm so nervous about it all the time I can't not wear a jacket or something.
Michael barely looks at me on some days and I want so bad to just confess to him right then and there just so he knows.
December 13, 2014
I almost did something so stupid yesterday. There was a bridge I passed the day before yesterday and it was so intriguing, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It consumed my mind and my body until yesterday I was there. I was there at 3 in the morning with my feet dangling over the edge contemplating my decisions, leveling out my pros and cons of just a simple jump.
Pros:
●not seeing Michael with somebody else every day
●no more pain
●no more misery
●no more self hate
●no more torture
●no more sadness
●no more fan hate
●no more sickness
●no more hangovers
the list could go on.
Cons:
●no more seeing Michael
●no more band
●no more chances to tell him
●no more fans
You see the difference? Yeah it's pretty big. You know what? I'm still here, and I'm pretty proud of that. At the moment anyway.
December 14, 2014
Looked for a present for Mikey, and nothing. Still.
December 15, 2014
Ugh, why me? I think I'll get him a new shirt and video game, the new fifa is good. I'm ordering it and a Panic! shirt. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that knows he listens to it but I'm not posotive so, Yep. You're welcome Mike.
December 20, 2014
His present still isn't here and I'm getting nervous. I shouldn't have waited so long to order it and now it won't be here on time oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I'm going to die.
December 24, 2014
It's still not here.
I called and they said it won't be here until January 3rd! What the hell?! Christmas is not on January 3rd last time I checked. Shoot me. I'm dead, he's going to think I didn't get him anything and that I'm a terrible person. I'll explain it to him real quick doodlie dooooo, be back.
Okay he said it was fine. He's okay with it, good.
December 25, 2014
Oh my god. I can't believe that just happened. I hate Ruby. After all the presents were opened she yelled at me. For one she yelled at me for just getting her a gift card. In my defense, it was a fifty dollar Visa gift card. She's lucky she got anything. For two she yelled at me for not getting Michael a present. Are you shittin me right now? I'll lay it out for you.
Ruby looked around at the various things on the floor, all of her gifts and everyone else's and then she looked directly at me with a devilish grin.
"Calum," she says in a fake sweet voice and batted her eyelashes. "Where's Mikey's present?" I open my mouth to speak, but she continued. "You didn't get him one, did you?" she sang deviously.
"Actu-" I started but she cut me off.
"What kind of friend are you? Isn't Michael, like, your best friend? And you didn't get him anything?" I frowned, close to tears as I looked at her.
"I got him something it just isn-"
"How dare you call yourself his best friend." I slammed my hand on the table and stood up, I was fuming.
"Dont you dare call me a bad best friend." I snapped, and everyone's eyes grew wide. "If you weren't so busy stealing him away and being a bitch to him and his friends, maybe I wouldn't be as bad a best friend as you think I am." I growled at her and she shrunk down in her spot. I froze and looked around, only then realizing what I said. Everyone's eyes are wide, they look shocked at what I said, maybe because I'm not usually one to snap at people. I take a couple steps back and run out of the house without another word.
Luckily for me, little book, I had you in my back pocket. Fuckin bitch. oh crap she's walking up to my little park bench, hold on.
December 30, 2014
Well I never came back that day because she came and talked and talked and talked, like damn she never shuts up. Anyway, we ended up arguing again because I wouldn't apologize about the truth and she punched me in the face. Let me just say, damn. She's got an arm.
