Some things can change

•chapter 1• Cold Metal

[Alec's P.O.V]
A tsunami of tears rush down my face, pelting onto my cheeks , hammering onto my pale skin, falling aimlessly from my eyes ever slightly clouding my vision like a foggy morning in New York.
Regret, sorrow and heartache fill my entire body paralysing everything other than the heavy load of salty tears streaming from my eyes and the anchor pulling my heart further and further down into the deep dark ocean of heartbreak.

I slowly reach for the drawer in my bathroom, the one drawer with the broken handle and the poor paint job, a dark sinful off white shade compared to the other drawers. I reach into there blind, searching round for the one thing I promised I'd never use again; that was a time of happiness, laughter and love, now it's the complete opposite. In the back corner of the drawer my hand lands upon the one thing I was looking for...

...My sharp, cold, untouched blade.

My shaking, gentle, calloused fingers run over the sharp teeth of the blade, each bump and groove sharper and sharper as my fingers glide across, each time more waves of tears roll over the coast of my eyes and splash up onto the shores of my cheeks.
Regret and sorrow overflowing my insides, making this decision harder than it should be.

Slowly, I roll up my long, black, ripped sleeves revealing my pale bare arms, showing myself off to the world like an open book to read about all the highs and lows of my life; the lows being highly apparent; burned, ripped and scored into my skin staying as part of me forever.

Holding the cold metal in my fragile, shaking, sinful hand, my heart pleads for my brain not to go through with these actions, but I was overruled by the dictator of emotions and memories of the past giving me even more of a reason to do this.

All the nights I spent in bed with the love of my life, listening to his steady, immortal, gentle heartbeat like a love song, written just for me, playing in my ears being my anchor of sanity while my mind is in a world of madness worrying about my next mission, would it be my last? Would I have to finally leave my loved ones behind?
Coldness tore across my skin, leaving a clean, straight line splitting it in half deep enough into the thick yet fragile layers of my skin for the salty, crimson red blood to start oozing out the small incision.

The jagged, corrupt,  sharp teeth of the blade each individually eating away at my arm in one stroke feel painless but pleasurable, my cold clockwork dictator shows me I'm better off dead.

All the actions I did, the way I betrayed the people I love the most, even the most selfish move and this is the only way I can please them.

Leaving
Never returning
Greeting death as my new friend
Forgetting everything
The past
The present
The future

Everything just disappearing in the blindness of my flooded eyes, the everlasting effects of the dangerous tsunami onto the coast of my cheeks.

All this time and I've made many more cuts, each one deeper and longer and yet the cold metal teeth are still hungry for more. My mind is out of control, a protest from my heart, begging to stop the unbearable pain, for its not worth it; I deserved this and I know it. My hand refusing to stop, more incisions making their way up my arm, soon switching to the other when I run out of room on the track, racing along to the beat of my heart pleading but I'm too deaf to hear.
The sight of the remains is horrific but it's what I had to do.

Blood oozing out of every punctured hole in my skin. Salty, metallic crimson blood surrounding my pale, ugly, worthless skin darkening as time inevitably passes on. Each second ticking on like a thunderstorm to my ears,deafening me with every movement of the handle.

My eyesight blurs out even more as the time passes on, like trying to open you're eyes in water, the salt burns them as a form of punishment. A lifeless body is all I look like from a distance, but from close up you can easily see the scars, bruises and ugly remains of a worthless life I lived, I was always the one who held my family together when the outer walls were crumbling, the one who gave the advice, and the one who regretted everything.
As darkness follows, I wait for death to greet me at the doors of Hell where I belong.

Jace can just use an iratze for his side effects, our parabatai bond really has some weaknesses.
My last thoughts are always Jace, my parabatai, my friend, my brother. I know he'll feel it but he's stronger than me, for he has clary, she's his anchor, she's the one who helps him through everything, she's the one who showed him who he really is.
I Alec lightwood, have no one, not anymore so in this moment in time this is the only thing my damaged mind can think of.

As I wait
And wait
And wait

Nothing greets me, just darkness as my brain, heart and body went into shock and overload of my intensive situation.
But I still don't regret my actions of what I did to myself...
...I deserved it.