Some things can change

•chapter 8• Moon Light

[Alec's P.O.V]

Entry #264
The 3 words. His 3 words that pulled me from away from the dangers of my own mind, that pulled me into the light I thought I had lost, that pulled me from a state of unconsciousness to a state of being awake.
Confusion overalls my mind, he said he couldn't carry on anymore, that deals had to be made and it was just no longer an option; yet his calm,gentle state prays to the angels above that I made it through this.

I tried to issue a thanks to him when I awoke yet my croaky hoarse voice only came out as a whisper, stuttering between words as I struggled to form a sentence and just settle on a 'thank you'. Although I left Magnus unaware of what, I knew, I knew it was his powerful words that only came out as pleas for help and hope for him but was the anchor and guide for me to avoid the further struggles and get out from the darkest place of my mind. Followed by his thankful tears that slowly built up in his magical orbs and crashed onto his pasty caramel cheeks when he saw my state.

I tried, I really tried to sooth him, to wipe away his tears but the pain and fatigue I experienced caused me to fall short and collapse my injured arms back into the soft blankets of the infirmary beds. The sparkle in his eyes soon returns as he glanced down at my state then back into my eyes as if he were making a tough decision, his sea green orbs switching to a sunset yellow and back. He was loosing control. They stayed as a sea green with a touch of yellow and then my attention was drawn away from his magical orbs and down to his soft pink lips.

I can't, he's not mine anymore and yet I still got distracted by one of my favourite parts about him.  I thought I had controlled my feelings, that they were fading. But when he licked his lips, just to ever so slightly make them wet, just like he did when we were together; resulting in him leaning in to kiss mine; it sent an eruption of nerves and confusion from the pit of my stomach to my brain. Subconsciously I was left slowly allowing my eyelids to flutter shut and allow him, allow the man who put me in this situation to kiss me.

But fuck I missed it.

Simultaneously wiping my tears from my cheeks with his gentle thumbs and pulling my bottom lip slightly with his own soft, pink ones; just how I told him was my favourite way. Not long before he was pulling away from me, leaving me overwhelmed with sensations as though his comfort and grace had never left, not even for a second. My heart was racing, waking up the dormant butterflies in my stomach, sending them into a frenzy, resulting in my brain being mush and my heart taking control of the situation before me.

I moved over to the side of the bed, allowing him to climb in after taking off his diamond embellished shoes. The want for him to hold me tight into his chest overwhelmed me and in that moment I did it. Once he was in and covered by the sheets I slid back right into the hardness yet comfort of his muscular caramel chest, allowing his gentle arms to snake around my waist and tangle into my hair. Stroking it, sending me into a sleep I thought I would never be able to experience again.

A sleep without dreams that are full whispers that echo throughout my brain, silent whispers that remind me of what I need to do to make my life better for everyone. Yet these moments of sleep stood out, controlling my actions everyday, controlling my mind telling me that I am worthless of the life I was given.
But tonight. Tonight was different. I fell asleep in the arms of the man I fell in love with. I fell into a dreamless sleep. A dreamless sleep that was just darkness.  No voices, no nightmares, no worries. Just my steady heart and my shallow breathing, the only thing that echoed through my mind was his words. His 3 words. Allowing my heart to flutter with butterflies and his steady heartbeat keeping me from slipping away into what I used to experience.

Now I am here, sitting by the wall length mirror of the infirmary, under the glistening moon light, watching the sky reach a darker shade of purple and blues revealing each star's beauty. Watching how the light streams reflect onto the floors and rivers surrounding the institute.
Magnus' soft snores echo throughout the room still continuously calming me to a point that I've never felt before. Not for a long time.

He saved me, saved me from a moment of misery and pain and I love him for that. I know I shouldn't but I do, and I just pray to the angels above that they'll hear my feelings. I really do fucking love him.

My peaceful state remains with me, my mind clear of the voices, the decisions to make, the worry. I was slipping away not too long ago and here I am now, watching the man I love sleep in peace knowing that I am okay. Now, I know the true strength of mine and jace's parabatai bond, and the sheer worry I sent everyone to by my ridiculous rash decisions.

But it's fine now, I'm back, and everything will alright again. Right?

Once the purples faded back to blue and started to get lighter I decided to finally get back into bed. Sliding under the covers and back into Magnus' arms I placed a small kiss on his lips and let sleep take over. Not before reminding him how much he really means to me.

"I love you".