Some things can change

•chapter 3• Seeing Blind

[Alec's diary P.O.V]

Entry #263

I'm scared
I'm scared of what will happen now
I'm scared of what my future will be without him
I don't know what to do without him, he was my life.
He was the reason I woke up every morning
The reason why I fought them demons and conquered them so I could come back safely
For him.
Everything was for him because I loved him.
I just guess he doesn't love me.

All of them cheesy shitty things that couples do, like excessive pda or cute selfies or endless dates, that's what Magnus and I used to do. I just guess we won't be doing that anymore.
The persuasion of Camille for me over the last few months was terrifying, every time
I went to see her it was a new challenge, a challenge just so I could spend forever with the love of my life.
Persuasion to murder Magnus' 'son' pretty much knocked it over the brim for me. I know I kill demos for a job but I could never take Raphael away from Magnus like that. It just isn't who I am.

I miss him I really do.

The choice to be made for the Seelie queen was difficult for Mags, having to choose between his own species and the whole down world or for me, it was difficult for him and I don't see why, in time I'll just become a burden for him- a useless, old fragile 'love' as I once was. He's immortal, he can move on, I'll age and die with my boyfriend as young as he was when I first met him.

We broke up.
He said it was for the best, but I beg to differ. It just feels as if someone has placed a massive anchor onto my heart dragging it deeper and deeper into the bottom of the dark ocean that surrounds it. The demons in my head dictating my actions, anything I can do to get rid of the thoughts, I will do.
I turned to the one thing I told Jace I wouldn't do..Ever... but I couldn't control myself, I feel like a puppet on strings with every action being controlled and manipulated. I can't help it, it's he only thing that brings satisfaction to me, watching the dark crimson metallic blood seep out of my blade crafted cuts upon my arms.

I can't take the feelings anymore, I miss him, I miss him far too much, more than I should know really. Anything that can drown my sorrows, to blur the memories, to vanish my thoughts I will do, no matter the consequences.

I haven't spoken to Mags since the whole situation but I'm scared to talk to him, a million thoughts rush to my mind of all the bad things that could happen. I guess I'm seeing blind to this, not wanting to really know the truth, I just feel that I won't be able to handle it.
Mags was my first, my first for many things and I'm glad but I didn't want him to be my first ex, I really thought things were going somewhere and I miss him.
I miss him a lot.
I really do.

I guess I could just say I'm scared.
I'm scared to loose anyone. 
I'm scared to loose Mags forever