rehab (lashton//malum)

chapter 7

Life sucks

i have to go through my abuse sob story with the police and i would rather stab myself in the eye with a fork, at least today's was free day which meant we got to lay around other than going to our one mandatory therapy session

i really want to get to know ashton more, the past few weeks we've been getting close but it's  hard to bond when we're constantly at therapy, but today's my chance. so i bent over my bed to see if he was still sleeping

"wanna go for a walk?" i asked

he shrugged "i don't feel great luke"

i sighed in my head 'he hates you luke'  "what's up ash" i said starting to  limb down the ladder

"i just feel so useless, i don't know. i feel so fucking depressed and it sucks because this is our free day!"

"we can sit here together and be depressed" i said smiling "maybe calum and michael will wanna play truth or dare or something"

"yea maybe" ashton trailed off and was silent for awhile before whispering "i wanna die luke"

my heart dropped hearing him say that "i'll probably feel better after the nurse comes in with meds but i can't sleep, i can't  leave my stupid bed, i can't live luke"

"do you want me to go get the nurse, see if she can give you your meds early? or maybe she can get your therapist to come in here"

"yea that'd be good"

i nodded and got off his bed opening the door

"you're a really good friend luke" ashton said and i smiled walking around the corner before explaining my situation to a nurse who grabbed some meds and followed me back to our room

"how are you feeling ashton?" the nurse asked squatting down in front of ashton before handing him two dixie cups

"crappy"

"is there anything physically i can do to help, any headaches, pain, or feelings of sickness"

"no just in my head"

"i'll let your therapist know, she'll have you in as soon as she gets here"

ashton nodded and the nurse left

"luke can you come lay with me, i just feel-"

"stop, yeah of course i will ash"

———

i woke up to the sound of crying, calum crying specifically.

my heart broke for him, he wanted to go home so badly and eventually he fell back asleep but i stayed awake hearing all of luke and ashton's conversation at 6am. i wish someone cared about me as much as luke obviously cares about ashton

and soon enough everyone was sleeping except me, and all i wanted to do was self had, so i walked into the bathroom digging through my bag of toiletries grabbing my blade. i pulled up my shirt and dragged it across my stomach, instantly feeling better when i saw the crimson red line of blood. and i relaxed creating more cuts until someone knocked on the door

"michael? can i get in there?" calum said

fuck fuck fuck fuck

"gimme a sec" i said frantically pressing toilet paper on my stomach and removing it only to be met with the fact that i cut too deep and they weren't stopping bleeding

"you alright?"

"y-ya fine"

"yeah i don't believe you" calum said and before i knew it the door was being pushed open "yep i was right, michael i don't know how to clean this"

i looked down

"ash does though" calum said walking out and returning with a groggy ashton

"this is really deep mike" ashton mumbled grabbing a gauze pad

after fiddling with my stomach for awhile ashton was done and he looked me in the eyes, "you've gotta talk to one of us instead of cutting michael, you're never gonna get better if you don't"

i sighed "i know ash, i just-calum was crying and i heard you talking to luke, i didn't wanna wake anyone up or something"

"you could have came to me. i don't care if you wake me up or you could have found a nurse. this isn't the solution" he said obviously thinking more rationally now that he was medicated

i nodded, knowing that ashton would always be there and yeah i could have found a nurse but who wants to leave the comfort of their own room at whatever time it is.

"you know, you should tell your therapist. what's going on. i'm seeing mine early this morning, i think you should find a nurse and tell them what's happening"

i shook my head "ash i can't. i'm here for bulimia. not self harm"

"exactly! so you need to tell them and they can help you with it. you don't even have to say it's recent, just that you've been struggling"

"they'll do a body check"

"then say it's from before you checked in. michael you need help with this"

i nodded "i know i just-what would i say to a nurse?"

"you need to see your therapist when they get in? i'll come with you. moral support"

i shrugged "yeah fine i guess"

ashton smiled as we exited the bathroom and wandered into the dimly lit hallway to find a nurse.

"hi um, can i see my therapist as soon as she comes in?" i asked the nurse sitting behind the front desk

she nodded "i just need your name and the reason why" she said not looking up from the computer

i shot a look to ashton and he shrugged and mouthed 'the truth'

i sighed and pouted "um my name is michael clifford. and the reason. i um-thoughts of self harm i guess"

she typed something into the computer and looked up at us "okay michael, dr. senechal will be in, in about an hour and ashton dr. hodges should be in, in 30 minutes. i'll come get you boys once they come in"

we nodded and walked back to the room. there's no point in going back to sleep now.
"are you going to sleep?" ashton mumbled as we walked through the door

"pointless" i whispered and he nodded

"do you wanna just talk until we get brought out?"

i nodded and we conversed until ashton got called out to meet with this therapist and i was left alone again