-yet to be titled-

Panic Attacks and Star Wars

It would be very easy to love Simon, I decided. His perfect smile, skin the color of raw umber. His eyes so dark they look black, but still managed to hold all the light of a good time. He's beautiful, and kind. And undoubtably perfect for me. But, there's something missing. I can't- I don't know what. And it's beginning to eat me up. He would be easy to love, and yet, I just don't.

What is wrong with me?

"Ahem. Gabbie?" My head snaps up.
"Weren't you going to say grace?"
"Oh- of course err... thank you lord for this food and the energy it gives us to face our day. Thank you for our air, water, and family. Amen."
"Amen." The nine others around the table mimicked. Dad the loudest.
"This is a beautiful meal." Aunt Claudia says stuffing her face in carrotless vegetable mix. Mom and I look at each other grinning and dad claps me on the shoulder.
"So what have you been up to, kid?"
"Oh nothing much," I mumble around my fork, "just school and stuff." Dad and his wife Sarah live 8,000 miles away in Arizona. I hardly ever see them and my step sibling but I love them with all of my heart.
"How's band?" Sarah's soft voice radiates warmth and kindness from my fathers side.
My thoughts were drop kicked right to Maria.
"Oh- its great. I'm really having fun." Maria. I haven't even thought of her. I wonder how she's doing. I wonder what she's been up to.

I wonder if she's thought of me.

Probably not...
"You should come visit this summer. We'd love to have you." I smile warmly. I miss them. I really do. It would be nice.
We finish the meal making small talk-something I absolutely hate. Dad doing his absolute best to avoid everyone who isn't me, Sarah, mom or Nick. He hates our other family because all they do is gossip, and he makes it quite well known. Sarah kicking him under the table every so often, mouthing the word 'behave'. But I don't blame him.
Dad and I are exact copies of each other. We're the same. We dress the same, act the same way, have the same taste. And we happen to hate everyone and everything except our immediate family. Mom always tells me it's a good thing I don't live there full time or else we'd be at each other's throats. I couldn't agree more.
I love my dad. And I love Sarah. As much as I love mom and Nick. And I know each one of them feels the same way. Our family is odd. It wasn't some big messy divorce, my parents jut decided that they weren't in love, they had been best friends but they weren't in love. There was no hard feelings, no pain. Not even for me. Dad found Sarah around the same time mom found Nick when I was about eight. And I was overwhelmed with joy. Shortly after Sarah and dad got married they moved to Arizona with their two sons, where Sarah's family is. And we stayed here. I do miss them a lot. And it gets hard sometimes.
"Why don't you tell them about your friend Simon?" Mom inquires.
No. My stomach drops, and I have no clue why.
"Oh... Simon, he's very nice." I set down my fork.
"Nice? You two seem to get along very well." Nick laughs to my father, a wild grin on his face.
My ears ring.
No no no. Wrong wrong wrong.
"Not that well. He's okay." I need to get out.
"What? I'm sure you weren't thinking that yesterday, you two were all over each other-" I lost it.
I smack my hands on the table I walk out of the room, nine shocked faces staring after me. I slammed my door so hard I felt the reverberations in my bones. I could have sworn I heard aunt Claudia mutter something about embarrassment.
I sit on my bed panting. It feels like my chest is being cleaved in two, and not figuratively. It's so painful, and I can't seem to get air into my lungs. Everything is a blur. I can't hear, I can't see or taste or smell. I exist only in the panicked void of my own mind. My limbs are shaking wildly and every muscle is tense. My stomach turns and I feel like I'm going to faint.
What is this?
My door bangs open and I'm being held.
Maria. Maria. Maria.
But it's my father, and he's screaming. Yelling some words that I've lost the ability to comprehend.
"Call an ambulance!"

A panic attack. It was a panic attack.
When we got to the hospital my jaw had locked from clenching it too hard. I could hardly stand because my muscles were so tired. I was so embarrassed but mostly just scared. I've never had a panic attack before. Why would I have one over something as simple as talking about a close friend?
My relatives were completely annoyed when mom sent them away. Calling my episode a "tantrum".
Maybe they're right.
At least I got my perfect Christmas. Just me, mom, Nick, Dad, and Sarah. The only thing that would make it better is if my step brothers were here. But they stayed behind with Sarah's mother for Christmas.
We spent the rest of the day watching movies, Star Wars to be exact. Well, mom, dad and Nick watched and Sarah taught me how to knit.

"I feel like I'm doing this wrong." I stared at my crumpled pile of loose strings and knew she'd be too nice to tell me I was.
"You're doing perfect, darling."
"Thanks." I smiled. "How are the boys?"
"Oh they're great. Max is starting kindergarten this year. Time just flies. And James is going into high school."
"Tell him if he doesn't join marching band I'll kick his butt." She laughs.
"I'll tell him. You should really come visit soon. They miss you like crazy, Gabbie. And I know your dad and I do too."
"Thank you, it feels good hearing that."
"Honey, if there's anything you want to talk about you know I'm always here for you. We're all here for you." My eyes burned and I choked down a pressure in my throat.
"I just- I'm figuring myself out. I'm just really confused right now."
"I understand, darling."
I looked around the room, at my dad and step dad arguing over freaking Star Wars conspiracies, and my mother smiling, rolling her eyes at them- her best friends. Then I looked at Sarah, the woman I've known for only 9 short years, but I knew she'd step in front of a bus for me. And Bear wrapped around my feet, snoring lightly. My family. My home. However crazy it was. They were my family. And I sat there on that couch and thought...

Why does everything have to be so fucking difficult?