-yet to be titled-

Fire and Water

The next day we're both hungover, we'd finished the bottle at some point and had passed out in the living room.
My head is throbbing and my eyes sting when I check my phone.

Mom: you're not at Lilly's get       -2:38am
home!
Mom: listen, I put a lot of trust in
you, you need to tell me
where you are.                               -2:56am
Mom: at least tell me if you're     -4:24am
safe, honey.
Mom: Gab love, please come
home soon, I'll be awake.
If you need me to come and
get you please call
me. I love you.                                -6:49am

Shit.
My phone had been on silent all night. I was so caught up in what I was doing...
I sit up on the couch, an action which causes my head to go sinning. As carefully as I can I step over Simon who had somehow ended up on the floor instead of the clutch adjacent to mine. I shuffle out of the room and into the hallway as quietly as possible.

After two rings I hear a click and breathing on the other line.
"Gabbie! Where have you been? We've been worried sick. We called Lilly to see if you guys wanted something to eat and-"
"I'm sorry mom. I'm at Simon's house."
"Wh-what." She stutters, "Well what happened? Are you two? Did you..."
"No mom. We just watched movies. I was afraid to tell you because I didn't want you to think we were going to do stuff." A lie. There I go again building myself up on lies. Pathetic.
"Honey, you don't ever have to lie to me. I would have understood. I'll always understand." No you won't...
"I know mom," my voice starts shaking, "well, I'll be home in a few okay? I'll head out now."
"Okay Gab, be safe."
I wipe away my tears and stifle a sob.
What am I becoming? Someone who lies? Someone who uses their friends?
"Gabbie..?" I jump.
"Simon, hey. I really need to get home, my mom was only expecting me to stay out a few hours last night." He gives me a smile, filled with nothing but warmth and understanding.

I wish he'd yell at me. I wish he'd scream and me and throw me out in the snow for what I tried to do.

His smile fades. "Are you crying?"
"What? Oh, no. I-I'm just sick." I start chewing my lip again at the lie. "I think that's why I threw up, I have the flu."
"Oh my god! Do you need me to drive you home?" He takes a few steps towards me.
"No!" I say a bit too loudly and put my palms up in front of me. "No, I can do it but I really need to go home now, okay?"
I turn around and start walking towards the front door, Simon following close behind.
He steps in front of me and takes my coat off the rack, handing it to me.
"I hope you feel better soon. Should I still expect you New Years?"
"Of course." I lie, pulling on my jacket too quickly. "I'm sure I'll be okay by then." I just need to get out, and fast.
"Hey Gabbie," he steps in front of me before I can rush out the door. "We should try that again sometime, but you know, without the vomit." He winks at me and flashes that beautiful smile of his.
My heart starts cracking.
"Absolutely." I swallow my entire stomach and hold my breath as he reaches down and brushes his lips against my cheek.
Without saying a word I open the door and walk out into the snow.
I put my keys in the ignition, I'm not even out of his driveway before the tears hit. Great rocking sobs that threaten my ability to drive.
When I pull up to my house after speeding home I tell my parents I'm ill.
"I threw up on my way out and Simon gave me some of his clothes."
"Okay honey, want me to make you something?"
"No. I'll do it later."
I get into a burning shower and scrub myself until my skin is pink and raw... Especially my cheek.

I stayed in bed for the rest of the day. And the day after that. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. And I didn't talk to anyone.
I didn't say anything.
Every few hours mom or Nick would knock on my door with a glass of water or a bowl of soup— to which I would always refuse with a shake of my matted hair.
My mind was eating itself up with dread. Dread for what that small little peck on the cheek promised. Dread for that stupid fucking party I told him I'd be at. Dread of going back to school and seeing Maria.
Maria.
Her name tasted hot coals.
I was angry. So undeniably angry at her for what she was doing to me. Even if I didn't even really understand what exactly it was...
There was a click and light flooded my bedroom.
"Gabbie..?"
I didn't say anything.
"Honey, are you sure it's the flu? You haven't really been throwing up."
I didn't say anything.
"Gab love, tell me what's going on."
I was facing the window overlooking the pond, and next to it, a small bit of charred grass...
I felt a weight press on the end of the bed. She must have sat down.
I didn't say anything.
"Does this have anything to do with Simon?"
His name felt like drowning in a sea of lava. Water and fire water and fire. Flames  dripped down the sides of my face and seemed to hiss and sizzle.
"Gab?"
"I feel so... wrong." I croak.
"What do you mean sweetie? Can you explain it?" I felt her hand brush reassuringly against my calf muscle.
"I hate Simon. And I hate Lilly. And I hate Maria. And I hate you and Nick. And dad and Sarah." Her breath catches. "I hate everyone and everything. I hate school, I hate band, I hate books. I hate painting. But most of all I really just hate myself. I hate myself for letting everything get so out of control. I hate myself for what I feel and what I don't feel. I hate myself for all of the stupid reckless things I do. I hate myself for not loving him and I hate him for being so goddamn perfect.
"I feel so quiet, mom. I feel like I'm fading. Like I'm going away into a dark place and I don't know how to come back. It's not like last time. I feel nothing. No hope. No joy. No love. It's like I have become, only a void. My heart feels broken beyond repair and I don't even know how it got to that point. I think that's what bothers me the most." I glance up to find her staring at me, tears soaking her face and a hand fisted in her shirt right over her heart.
"I'm sorry." She breathes.
And then I began to hate that phrase as well.