Believing in love...Again (A Zayn Malik story)

Chapter 23: Can never be "just friends"

RASHEL:

When I was 15 and in high school, all I had ever wanted to have a guy sweep me off my feet on Valentine's Day. I wanted someone to shower me with attention and love. Lucky for me, when I was 15, Luke asked me to be his girlfriend. I remember the day he asked me. It was a week before Valentine's Day. He had slipped a note into my locker saying that he wanted me to meet him at the park after school and that he wouldn't be able to drop me home that day. I was disappointed that I wouldn't get the car ride with him (yes, I was pathetic) but the aspect of meeting him at the park made it better. When the final bell had rung, I had rushed out as fast as I could and begged Zach to drop me home as fast as he could. When I reached home, it took me less than twenty minutes to doll up for Luke. I had dressed up in his favorite color on me, purple. He always used to tell me that it looked "amazing" on me. I remember being nervous as I asked Drew to drop me at the park. I also remember having a conversation with myself, debating the fact that he would ask me out. I had a feeling that he would, but I wasn't sure. I wanted him to, hell, that's what I had always wanted. I remember pushing all those thoughts aside when I saw him waiting for me in the park. I remember my jaw touching the floor as I took in his faded blue jeans, his black polo and his hair messed up. I remember thinking that he was drop dead gorgeous. I remember smiling shyly at him as I walked towards him. He had set up a picnic for us. That's how picnics became our thing. I remember spending the rest of the evening together. I remember him being extremely nervous when he dropped me home. I remember him calling me out just as I was ring the doorbell. I remember him stuffing his hands in his jeans pocket and stuttering out the words "Would you, I don't know, like uh, go on a d-date with, um me?" I remember trying not to scare him off with my pedophile smile. I remember walking up to him, getting on my toes, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing his cheek softly. I remember whispering in his ears "I would love to." I remember his pedophile smile and I remember wanting to be the reason behind it always. I remember how the date was amazing and I remember him finally asking me to be his girlfriend next week on Valentine's Day. I remember how he had stammered again and how nervous he was. I remember how he wouldn't even look me in the eye after he said the words "Rashel, I know this is w-weird but I can't help it. I love you but l-lately I have been having fe-feelings that just a friend w-wouldn't have. Will you please uh, like you know, be my um, my g-girlfriend?". I remember grabbing his face and making him look at me. I remember leaning forward till our faces were inches apart and them quietly whispering in his ears "There's nothing I would like to be more." I remember the way his lips curled in a huge smile. I remember how the rest of the day going amazing. I remember how he kissed me at the front porch when he dropped me back home. I remember how in the moment his lips met mine, I had felt oddly complete. I remember thinking that my life was complete. I remember thinking that I would never get used to the feeling of kissing Luke. And it was true. Three years into the relationship and he could still get the same reaction out of me like the first time he kissed me. I had never felt that ever again after things ended between us. I had been with countless guys after Luke but not one single time did I feel the way I felt when I kissed Luke. And I don't think I would ever feel that again. And I don't think I would ever be able to not curse Valentine's Day like I was doing right now. I was sitting next to Zayn at the bar, looking around at all the people in the huge room. They looked happy, they had huge smiles on their faces. They looked like they were in love. Fine, maybe not all of them looked like they were in love but those who weren't, didn't have a broken heart to mend. I noticed how all the couples held each other close and danced away. I noticed how they would steal kisses when they thought no one was looking. And it hurt.

Seeing how happy they were hurt like hell. Seeing them having everything I had ever wanted reminded how it was ripped away from me. It gave me that overwhelming sense of loss all over again. When I had realized that I was over Luke, I had thought that everything would automatically be right in the world. I wouldn't hurt anymore. But I was wrong. I was over Luke. But there was a part of me that was still holding onto the memories I made with him and no matter how hard I tried to let it, the grip was too tight. It was at times like these when those memories would hit me hard and my heart would break all over again. I didn't miss him. I missed the moments I had with him. I didn't want him back. I wanted that feeling he gave me back. I just wanted to believe, believe that love exists. I wanted to let go of all the bitterness holding me back and believe in love. But I couldn't. Whenever I tried to picture myself in love with some guy, all I could see in my head was an image of me and Zayn sitting together on the rooftop in Wentworth. Oh and I am not in love with Zayn. I am telling him my sob story of how yet another guy thought I wasn't enough for him and left me, leaving me broken all over again. And that is what was stopping me, that image in my head. There was no way I was ever going to risk my heart ever again. If that means being 80 and sitting with Zayn on the rooftop in Wentworth, talking about the most popular food in England then so be it. I wasn't ready to go through all the heartbreak and pain again and I don't think I ever would be. Just at that particular, another memory with Luke flashed in my mind and I closed my eyes, trying to get it out of my head. I tightened my fingers around the clutch in my left hand inside which a pack of cigarette along with a lighter rested. No Rashel, you can't turn to smoking, I told myself. I took a deep breath but my grip around my clutch tightened and the urge to smoke was winning against logic. So I did the only logical thing. I searched for Zayn's hand and grabbed it, intertwining my fingers with his. He looked down at out joined hands before looking up and giving me a lopsided grin that got my heart racing. One by one, I uncurled my fingers from the clutch, resting them lightly over it.