The Swallows and the Sunsets

Dad

I hate saying that I hate you, but I can't find any other words to describe what I feel towards you.

I'm bored out of my fucking mind and I just want to be outside where it's cold and it burns to breathe in and my fingers feel numb, but I'm stuck next to you.

And part of me wants to spend every second I can in your presence and the other part of me wants to shut you out. 

Like I should.

Like I'm supposed to. 

Because you broke me to the core countless times and I want you to feel every ounce of pain you caused me. But I can't stand the thought of you hurting like I have. Like I am. 

Breathing around you isn't supposed to feel this uncomfortable but the only thing that feels comfortable when it comes to you is my anger.

I'm tired and I'm sore and I want my own bed to sleep in because lately that's the only thing that makes me feel like I'm welcomed. 

I tried to breathe freely the other day and I began to cry. I can't remember the last time I just stood still.

What makes them so good to stay? What was wrong with us - with me? Why couldn't you come back? Why couldn't you just fucking love me? Why couldn't you just stay to be my dad? 

My mom is fading and there's no light behind her eyes and for once I feel like we have something to relate to.

All I can think of is you and this pain you left me with.

And I want to love you.

Like I should.

Like I'm supposed to.

It hurts.