The Swallows and the Sunsets

Things That Kept Me Alive

My sister once said to me that people who self-harmed were weak. That bi people are confused and that she didn't agree with it. That depressed people wanted attention.

She broke down when she found out I was trying to kill myself.

She asks me a lot if I'm okay. She knows now. Sees lines on my skin and panics, only for me to reassure her that I've stopped that.

"You are the strongest person I know."

Changed perspective.

My dad dragged me to the store with him. Alone. I panicked the whole way there. I wanted to voice my anger.

He asked me how school is.

"It's okay."

"Make any friends?"

"Not really."

"How have you been?"

"Good."

"...How have you been, really?" I couldn't speak. I looked him in the eye for the first time since we moved five years ago. He knew I was hurting. He knew I was empty.

"It'll get better, kiddo. Trust me."

It did.

I was on the phone with my Gran. She asked me why I home-schooled. I told her I couldn't focus that well, so I wanted to see how I did at home.

She told me depression runs in the family. She told me she understood me. She left it at that.

"Sometimes, all you can focus on is the sadness."

My grandpa told my mom he was worried about me. I lost weight.

"I said she looked good, is she okay?" "So she's homeschooling now? Has she been out of the house?" "She's going back to public school? Good. Keep her there."

He looks at me with caution and worry, now. But, smiles, when he sees my happiness is still there.

My aunt played with my hair. Words aren't my strong suit, she doesn't seem to get that. Tries to make conversation on topics not there.

"I missed you, girlie."

"I missed you too."

"You said that you wanted to move back here, that you miss it."

"I do, yeah."

"Is something going on at home?"

My hesitation answered her before I could even speak.

"You know, you're welcome here."