Blocked

I just cut myself again

Last week I told myself I wouldn't do it
Last week I told myself it was over

But sometimes words can hurt you

I just cut myself again after being yelled again

Now there are five scars

I started to cry and she me why the fuck I was crying in that annoyed tone

I told her nothing and she took it cause she didn't really care

I closed my laptop and locked my phone

It was more blood than last time

I got some tissues and wiped it down but it didn't help

In tears I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet and sobbed

But quietly, so I wouldn't annoy her

But silently, so I wouldn't annoy her

I ran my wrist over cold water while glancing at the razors

I took the Neosporin and spread some on the cut

I sat down on the toilet and I think I had a panic attack

I ran into the wall and slid on the bathroom floor where I am now

I opened my phone to see the group chat: nothing much happened there

I looked at the time. Almost lunch. I have to clean up.

I remembered the video of that suicide survivor and how he's better now

All I could think of was the taxes and money and time and struggles and bills and laws I had to face if I ever grew up.

I looked at the bathtub.

I wanted to leave the Neosporin cap open so my parents could see I had used it. I wanted them to ask what's wrong. I wanted them to care. But I decided not to because if they cared I wouldn't have to leave the cap open for them to ask.

I cried so more and for fifteen minutes I did nothing but stare at the toothpaste.

At 11:50 I opened my phone to write this.

At 12:00 I published this.