My Brave Rebel: Book One (Bellarke)

Part 46

CLARKE:

I'm paralyzed. I can't move. Why can't I move? What happened to the colors I used to see? Why can't I see straight? Why is everything blurry? Why can't I think straight? Why do I want to fall to the ground and never stand back up? Why do I feel defeated without even knowing that in a War? Why do I feel so weak and Pathetic? Why? Why? Why?

I ask myself as my feet failed to hold me and I fell to the ground. I don't remember picking myself up, but still, hours later, I sat on my makeshift bed, not remembering anything else what happened that day. His words are playing over and over in my head. Done, done, done. His emotionless face is like a picture burn in my mind, like a scar that never fades. He's not serious, right? He'll come back. He needs me. Right? The image of him ask me to marry him flashes my mind. The image of him kissing me, touching me, loving me. The image of him laughing and smiling. The image of him yelling he loves me across can't. The image of us stumbling out of the Dropship half naked and kissing. I want to smile of the memory but then his motionless face pops up and something tells me to forget them instead.

"Clarke?" Someone said outside the tent. I looked up as Octavia walked in. I looked back down, not finding it in my heart to speak to her. I knew she never meant for any of this to happen but she still made a mess out of things why the hell are the Blake so complicated?

"I know I'm probably the last person you want to see, but I just... I'm really sorry, Clarke." She said.

"I thought you'd be on lockdown by now." I answered dryly, my throat hurting as my voice fought It's way of the vocal cords.

"Yeah, me too." She kept looking at me nervously.

"What?" I asked her, wanting her to leave so my voice were probably harsher than it should have been.

"She's not even looking at me." She whispered.

"That makes two of us." I told her, my eyes focused on the ground. "Difference is.." I continued. "He'll always look after you... Even when he's not looking."

There was a following silence and when I looked up, she had left the tent without even as much as a goodbye. Then all the sudden I heard her scream at somebody.

"You fucking asshole! Acting like everything is about you!" She yelled as I emerge from the tent. She was standing up close to Bellamy, her face red and boosting with anger.

"You're hurting the people who actually care enough to give a crap about you." She doesn't back down. Everybody has stopped to look at the family confrontation.

Bellamy didn't return the rude comments and chose to stay silent.

"What? Now you have nothing to say?" She asked, all fired up.

"I think you should calm down, Octavia." He said.

"I think YOU should get your shit together, cause seriously, you need all the real people in your life that you can get! Including her!" She said and trying to plan me. Everyones eyes followed where her hand was pointing, even Bellamy, and he met my eyes for the first time in many days. We stare intensely each each other for a long time. Then he opened his mouth, not leaving my eyes for a second.

"I don't need anyone." He said and turned around and walked towards the Dropship, leaving a tense and awkward science behind, and all eyes shifting between me and Octavia.

Great. More drama. More tension. More Blake. Just great. I'm like that wasn't enough entertainment for the day, Octavia decided to keep going. Even better.

"COWARD!" She yelled after him, causing him to stop. God, her pregnancy hormones for alright getting to her.

"Octavia," I started, but I was cut off by Bellamy's harsh and cold voice.

"Why? Because it's my job to take care of all these people," he waved his hand around camp, "and I can't even seem take care of my own sister? Does that make me a coward?" Couldn't help feeling sorry for him after everything he told me. You may have told me he blamed me, but he really blamed himself it was eating her alive everybody else seem to enjoy "The Blake Show", standing wide-eyed, excited for Octavia's reply.

"BACK TO WORK!" He yelled at his audience. They didn't need to be told twice, that's for sure.

Octavia leans in a whisper something to Bellamy before leaving in a hurry, making us the only two people left standing. I tried to leave as well but I stop as his voice called my name.

"Can we talk?" He gestured to my tent. I didn't fint my my voide so I just nodded.

We both entered and I felt really. This was when he realize he was wrong all along and he apologized and everything goes back to normal. He kept his distance, and I felt a slight sting in my chest.

"I'm really sorry, fo taking it out on you that way...that wasn't fair." He apologized.

"That being said," he looks at the ground, focusing on his feet. I felt confused and suddenly,

"I think it's best if it stays this way though.. I can focus more and just get everything sorted out and help Octavia with," he sighs. My heart sank and I felt like a fool for believing him when he told me he wanted me forever.

"Say something." He said.

I shook my head, looking down.

"I don't have anyth-any-anything to say." I lied. I had plenty to day. I closed my eyes.

Stay with me. Don't leave me. Tell me you love me. I need you. We need each other. You make me better. I can't breath without you. I love you.

And when I opened my eyes again, he had already left the tent, leaving my words unspoken.