Chapter 11: For that was what I wanted

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Jimin

3rd of July 2022

I practiced my dancing alone in the studio, after having watched the video of Hoseok doing the choreography multiple times.

I hated the fact that there always seemed to be a mistake in the movements I made. It caused the struggle of falling behind on small parts in the music sequence.

Hand on chest, slowly bowing my knees. From the left to the right, step up, step up and reach for the stars. I couldn't move as freely as I wanted to, I was tied to the music and my example. Wanting to be recognized and failing to succeed again and again.

I stumbled and fell down on my hands and knees. Sitting there alone, not being able to comprehend my own thoughts. I slammed my fist down on the ground and screamed in anger. The rain that poured down over the window resembled my feelings, a few drops slid down over my cheeks. My throat burned as I denied myself these feelings.

While standing up I pushed all the nasty thoughts out of my head. I didn't want to hear them for the next few hours, I had to distract my thoughts elsewhere. Starting the music again I began to move freely, just as I wanted to. I gifted myself this bit of freedom before I would tie myself down once again.

The performance would be tomorrow and I had to be perfect by then, I didn't want a 'quite good' as a joking compliment.

I wanted to be acknowledged by Hoseok and be his partner.

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