Doing it Alone

Daddy

4 months pregnant and I'm somewhat showing depending on the tightness of my clothes. My mind spirals out of control every time I see my stomach I just wonder why. I haven't done anything bad so really this is punishment to have to bare a child who I deprived of a father.

Chris has stayed at my parents more often because my mother thinks I need time to process it all when in reality I don't. What I needed was my family of me Chris and this little boy or girl that will soon enter the world. I drive over to my parents to get Chris he doesn't need to spend every second there and frankly I love playing mom, when I'm with Chris his small features remind me of Ryan. Chris shares these light green brown eyes that Ryan had, he also shares the same light brown hair and they both have fair skin. It's like when I miss Ryan I just hug Chris a little tighter.

Walking into my moms I have to go to the back yard where her and Chris are swinging. "Look Chris who's that." my mother says to him and points to me.

"It's mommy, mommy." he laughs and my mom takes him off the swing. He's been learning to speak more and his words are well for a 2 year old.

I run up to Chris and swoop him in for a hug. "Hello baby did you miss me." I say pinching his cheeks. He doesn't say any thing but just nods. "Ready to go home Chris."

"Yes mommy." he smiles.

"Ok now go say bye to nana." I say and he runs to my mothers arms.

"So how's your mind doing." my mom says as we walk to the car.

"I haven't gone insane if that's what your wondering." I say and strap Chris into his seat. "I'm ok mother can you just stop pushing shit for one minute." I say and she lets out a deep breath.

"I worry what can I say, you lost it all in only one day and now you're pregnant." she says and I hop into the drivers seat.

"Don't you think I know that." I say and lower the window down. "I've got a family and frankly that's all I need to focus on." I tell her and I reverse out of her drive way. "How was nana's house Chris?"

"Good." he smiles and swings his feet. "Mommy can see daddy." He says and lately he's been asking about Ryan more and more.

"I'm sorry Chris but we can't see daddy." I sigh.

"Okay." I all he says, with his 2 year old attention span he's just focus on the music playing on the radio. I'm 4 months pregnant and if all goes smoothly I should be due on February.

Also Chris turns 3 March 27th so it's going to be strange. Speaking that's it's the first Friday of the month I should be expecting Rebecca, Ryan's mom, to drive down from Dallas any minute.

Pulling into our drive way her little Volkswagen is already parked outside and she's sitting on the porch bench. "So is it true what I've been hearing." she tells me as I unlock the door.

"If it's concerning my weight then I'm not getting fat just pregnant." I smile at her and walk Chris to his room.

"Congratulations." she says but it lacks the usual enthusiasm. "Are you ok?"

"Listen Rebecca you know I know I'm not okay, I'm a fucking mess." I say and we sit at the kitchen table.

"Well think of it as a blessing, you will have more of Ryan with you." she sips her coffee.

"Yes as if Chris isn't a reminder of him. So please don't speak of this, I forget I'm the pregnant widow for a moment and I need that moment to last." I start breathing slowly remembering to control any stress.

Rebecca tells me to take a nap while she does some home improvement. I lay down on my bed and it's only seconds before I drift into slumber.

Waking up it's already 3 shit I slept for 4 hours. I straighten my hair that flies all over the place, then walk into the living room. Rebecca is there reading to Chris. "Oh look Chris mommy finally woke up." she tells him and he giggles. "Now that your rested lets talk about what I really wanted to talk about." she nods and gestures me to sit.

"What is there even to talk about," I ask.

"Don't you like Dallas more, Bethany after Ryan died you literally just packed up and left me grandchild less." she sighs. Why must this woman push me.

"I know that was pretty bad to not consult you first but my family moved to Houston so I just thought this place would be better." I tell her and begin to breathe slowly, relax Bethany.

She looks at me for a while before standing. "Just take care Chris and don't go crazy. I will be sure to continue this monthly visit, Bethany." she whispers.

I turn my head to face her at the door. "What?" the word barely escapes my lips.

"Please tell Chris what happened to daddy, he's a smart boy and you can't hide it forever." she frowns at me and leaves the house. I look to Chris who plays with blocks, how does this conversation start how do I tell him he doesn't have a daddy.

"Chris honey come here." I waft to him and he makes his way to my lap. "I'm going to tell you about daddy."

He smiles and it killed me a little. "Where's daddy." he says looking around the house.

"Sorry Chris but daddy isn't here. You see buddy there are problems with the planet so daddy had a problem. Daddy is not coming back." I say and he stares at me with confusion.

"No daddy." he says no emotion behind his words.

"I'm sorry Chris but no daddy." I brush his hair with my hands. We sit in silence for a good minute before Chris looks up.

"That's ok you can be daddy and mommy." he smiles and returns to the blocks. That was the truth from a 2 year old I'm mommy and daddy, I'm doing it alone.