Pure At Heart

Pure At Heart (32) Once again

"Just because I let you go doesn't mean I wanted to."

(Hello hello! Above is a GIF of Dylan Anderson. Played by Freddie Stroma)

____

"I don't understand why I can't find another job. I have applied at almost all that are available on those job sites," Ayesha spoke in frustration as we both sat down with our midnight coffee.

I just stared at her. I didn't know what to tell her. I didn't want to give her false hope. If this is what was destined for both of us, then we must live with it. Without feeling bad about it. Because this is all for the best. Allah knows.

"Did you search for any work?" she asked me.

I shook my head. "No. I didn't."

"You're not going to work now?" she said.

"I don't know what I'm going to do now. I have zero motivation and zero energy left. I am probably just waiting for my last call," I told her casually.

"Astaghfirullah. Hamna don't say that! Why have you lost all motivation? Stuff like this happens to a million people out there. But they get back up on their feet. Don't let the shaitan control you and lose hope about life. You have got so much to live for. Your daughter, for starters," she spoke. I looked at her.

"My daughter will hate me when she finds out what I have been keeping from her. I don't want her to hate me," I told her.

She stared at me in confusion. I didn't blame her. Even I couldn't make sense of what I was saying.

"What... have you been keeping from her?" Ayesha asked.

"She has never in her life met her father Ayesha. She doesn't know what he looks like. I'm keeping her from seeing her father for my selfish reasons. I am not a good mother. She's growing up thinking I am but I'm not."

"You're not being selfish Hamna. You have no choice. You're here not because you want to be. You're here for many reasons your daughter will understand when she comes of age. Don't blame yourself for what others have done. If you daughter doesn't know her father, it's not your fault. It's her father's fault. You're already doing all the best you can. Go a little easy on yourself love. Please," she hugged me.

"I'm trying to be but I don't know if I can do that for long. Whether I am being selfish or not, I need my daughter to have a fatherly figure. There are so many moments where she's going to feel lonely and left out just because her father won't be there. How will I cope with that? I don't know if I can," I stared at her. She smiled.

"You'll be fine. We will be fine," she told me. "Even though we have no money, no job, and right now no future, we will turn out ok. I have faith... I still have hope."

Tears ran down both our cheeks as we realized how helpless we really were at the moment. We just wanted everything to be ok in a matter of minutes. But life as we knew it, didn't work that way.

____

*4 months later*

It was a normal Tuesday. Ayesha was at a job interview and I was cleaning up the house before Fatima came back from school. Aidah was home sick with a cold so she was sleeping. I was assembling the couch cushions where there was a knock on the apartment door. I was always so paranoid about opening the door when I was alone now.

"Who is it?" I asked through the closed door.

"It's me Jerry. From Al Meda," the person spoke. Jerry was one of the employees at my company before it was destroyed. I smiled and put on the scarf that was around my neck on my head.