I stayed there. I don't know why I stayed. I didn't walk home, I didn't walk to Starbucks, I just stood there, watching him walk. Damn, I fucked up. He's probably going to go home and do something stupid. I need to go after him.
He doesn't understand why I was about to say no. Well, he does, but it's different. It would get a lot worse for him and me. I'm actually a little bit mad, because he was saying 'I'm so perfect' and 'I always get what I want' because I'm not perfect and I don't get what I want.
What he doesn't understand is just because 'everyone loves me' and I get all this attention, doesn't mean I feel okay. I don't feel okay. I feel lonley. I used to cut, and I've been thinking about it a lot and I hate it. I need Luke, because he made me feel like someone actually cared about me. I really, really fucked up.
I saw him start to walk faster after a minute, and that's when I finally started crying. I didn't know where to go. I didn't want to go home because then I would have to face Ashton and tell him what happened. I love Ashton and I tell him everything, but if I told him about this, he would tell me exactly what I don't want to hear. Ashton doesn't even know I used to cut. I stopped between sophomore and junior year, so it's been almost a year. I've been on the verge of cutting twice in the last month.
I decided to walk to Starbucks. I had money too, I could still buy something. I got out my phone and texted Luke.
'I'm sorry'
'You don't understand'
'Hemmo'
'Luke'
'Please'
'I don't want you doing something stupid if you would just let me explain'
All of those in less than 5 minutes.
I got my drink and sat down alone. I kept texting Luke, and he still wasn't answering, not even 20 minutes later. Then someone called my name.
"Vivian?" The voice asked, and I knew it wasn't Luke. It was a girl's voice. Carolyn.
"Hi." I said quietly, turning back around and wiping my eyes, trying to make it look like I wasn't crying.
"Are you okay?" She asked, sitting down across from me.
"Yeah, I'm fine, why?"
"Well, you didn't call me after school, you're here alone, and you were crying." She said, crossing her arms.
"I wasn't crying." I lied.
"Vivian, come on. I know that you were crying and I know something is up. What is it?" She leaned onto the table.
"Do you remember that guy you and the girls 'talked' to last week?"
"Luke Hemmings?"
"Yeah, him."
"Oh, a bunch of people saw you walking home with him today, and they saw you guys at his house, and walking somewhere, what's with you?"
"I like him." I said quietly, and I tried really hard not to cry, but I let one tear slip down my face.
"You? Luke Hemmings? He never smiles or laughs or show any emotion towards anything, he's a total-"
"Shut up!" I yelled, standing up and slamming my hands on the table, causing her to flinch.
"What's so wrong, I thought you thought the same thing?"
"No! Why would I?" I yelled.
"Because nobody likes him, why would you? He's such a dork, you-"
"Just because he's like that doesn't mean you get to go around saying it!" I started crying, but I was mad and still yelling. "He has trouble at home already, you shouldn't make it hard on him anywhere else! Jesus fucking christ nobody understands!"
I ran out of the Starbucks with my phone my pocket and my drink in my had. I kept wiping under my eyes, trying to stop crying as I ran down the street. I wasn't going home, I was going to see Luke.
I got to our street and ran past my house, going straight to Luke's. I knocked twice, and no one answered. So I knocked again. It wasn't Luke that answered. His mum did.
"Can I help you?" She smiled.
"Is Hem- I mean, is Luke here?" I said quickly, biting my lip.
"Yes, he's upstairs. You can come in and get him." She was still smiling, and she looked like a nice person.
"Okay thanks." I tried to smile.
I walked inside the house, and when I got to where Luke's mum couldn't see, I ran. I ran upstairs and straight I what I'm assuming was Luke's room. I ran in, and saw he wasn't there, and his book, phone, and headphones were laying on his neatly made bed. I ran down the hall more and heard crying from the bathroom, and I knew it was him. I pounded on the door, and he didn't answer. I still heard the crying, so I pulled a bobby pin from my hair and tried to unlock the door.
When I got it open, what I saw made me cry. Luke, sitting in an empty bathtub, fully clothed, and cutting.
"Luke!" I yelled, running towards him. He didn't even look at me, he just kept cutting his wrists.
"Hemmo!" I yelled, grabbing his arm. He stopped, but he still wasn't looking at me. He just kept looking down, into the tub.
"Look at me!" I yelled. I took the blade from his hand and rinsed the blood off of it, then set it down in the floor next to me. He still wouldn't look at me.
"Luke, please!" I sobbed, shaking his arm. I stared down at the blade, then I thought of cutting myself. It's my fault he was doing this, it's all my fault. I slowly let go of Luke and picked up the blade, my hands shaking. At the same time, Luke picked up a towel from the side of the bathtub and wiped some of the blood off of his wrists. I made one cut on my wrist and Luke didn't notice. I but my lip to stop from screaming, and made another cut. I let out a small scream, and Luke's head shot up.
He grabbed the blade from my hand and threw it across the bathroom. He grabbed my face in his hands, pulled me forward, and kissed me. Blood was running down both my arms and his, but we didn't care. I climbed into the bathtub, straddling him. When we pulled back, he wiped the remaining tears from my face, and he was crying.
"Stop crying, you're going to make me cry." I pushed my forehead against his, staying there.
"Why would you do that?" He asked.
"I'm not perfect. I used to cut, sophomore year. Nobody knows, not even Natalie and Ashton. I felt lonely. I hated myself, I felt like this was my fault. It is my fault-"
"Never say that, Viv."
"I made you feel like I liked you, then rejected you. That's the worst thing I've ever done. I'm sorry."
"Why did you say no?"
"If we date, it would get worse on you. I don't want that to happen, Hemmo. I don't want you to be sad, ever." I blinked back more tears as he kissed me quickly. I pulled back, and he grabbed the towel again. This time, I realized the towel was covered in blood stains. "How long have you been cutting yourself today?"
"5 minutes..."
"Shit, Luke. Promise me you'll try to stop."
"Why should I?" He was dabbing at his wrist, trying to get the blood off the best he could.
"You should stop because I like you."
"You won't date me."
"If you stay clean for a week, I'll date you."
"W-what?" He stuttered as I took the towel from him, trying to get the blood off my wrists, also. We both knew we would end up rinsing our wrists, anyways.
"If you don't cut for a week, I will be your girlfriend." I grinned. "But we won't start officially dating until you've been clean for a week."
"Okay, yeah, I'll stay clean for a week. Longer than a week. I'll stay clean the rest of my life if it means I get to stay with you." He smiled.
YOU ARE READING
Amnesia • hemmings
Fanfiction"Only you can call me Viv." "And only you can call me Hemmo."