Amnesia • hemmings

1.8

Why is this happening.

I shouldn't feel like this.

I need to stop thinking about it.

I need to calm down.

Too late.

I'm already on the floor, sobbing, cutting. Vivian can't help, she had to be with Ashton today, because they weren't spending enough time together. It's like she's my only source of happiness. Not even The Missing Series or any music helps me anymore. I'm pathetic. Putting all of my trust, my entire life, in the hands of a girl who wouldn't let me date her unless I stayed clean. It worked, I know she wanted to help me. I've been clean for a couple weeks, I just... broke, I guess.

I thought of texting Natalie, we've gotten really close, but I bet she has to take care of her brother again. Her dad is always working, her parents are divorced like mine, and her older brother moved out last year. So, he always leaves her to take care of her brother and the big house.

Why don't I end it. It would be easier. For everyone. Mum, Vivian, Natalie, they wouldn't have to deal with me. Ashton and his friends already think I'm a weirdo, they only pretend to like me because I'm with Vivian. And the rest of the school either hates me or doesn't know me, so there's pretty much no point in staying.

Then my phone rang.

I dropped the blade quickly, my eyes widening as I realized what I was doing. I grabbed my phone with one hand, wiping my eyes and nose with the other. I turned on the water in the bathroom and began washing my arms as I read the text.

Natalie

'yo wanna come over? i needa watch Eric again, sadly, and im bored and he likes you'

'Vivian is with Ashton and im borrrrreeedddd'

'HELP'

'COME OVER PLEASE'

'LUCAS'

'UGH'

That scared the living crap out of me, I thought it was Vivian. I was still freaking out, though, because Natalie was my best friend and she would be pissed if she found out I was cutting again. I was trying to get my hands to stop shaking and I was trying to stop crying, but it wasn't working well.

'yeah, ill be over in 10' I typed quickly as I scrambled to get ready.

"Luke!" My mum yelled from her room.

"Yes?" I yelled back, pulling my sweater on.

"Come here please!" She yelled. I ran downstairs with my phone in my pocket, going to my mum in the kitchen.

"Yeah?" I asked, taking a deep breath.

"Are you okay?" She asked when she saw me.

"Yeah, I'm fine, why?" I tried to look as 'fine' as possible, and I've gotten good at it.

"Like, do you have any bruises or cuts, or anything?" She asked, stepping towards me.

"No," I furrowed my eyebrows a little. "I'm going to my friend Natalie's house, I'll be back in a while."

"Okay." She smiled, and I walked out of the house, trying not to cry.

-

"Hey Luke!" She smiled as she opened the door.

"Hey." I smiled weakly.

"Eric!" She yelled, walking further into the house. I followed, going to find Eric.

"Luke!" He yelled, running to me. He jumped up and I caught him, and he wrapped his legs around my waist.

"Hey, dude!" I faked a smile, trying not to show how I was acting 10 minutes ago.

"Luke." Natalie said seriously, and I put Eric down.

"Luke, my birthday is next week." Eric said, smiling.

"Really? How old are you gonna be?" I asked.

"6." He smiled.

"Woah, you're old." I made a face.

"You're older." He stuck his tongue out at me.

"Luke." Natalie said again.

"Hey, you go wait in the living room, I'll be there in a bit." I smiled, and he ran out of the hallway, into the living room. "What?"

"Why were you crying?"

"I wasn't crying."

"Luke, yes you were." She crossed her arms over her chest.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"I can see it."

"Why are you so concerned?" I turned around, walking into the kitchen.

"Because," She grabbed my arm and pulled me, turning me around. "You are one of my best friends, and I care about you."

I started crying. Again.

She didn't make me explain, she didn't get mad, she didn't say anything, she just pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around her waist, resting my head on her shoulder and sobbing.

After a couple minutes, I calmed down. "Luke, did you?" She asked softly.

I couldn't say anything, I just nodded and started crying again. I turned around, slamming my hands against the wall and pressing my forehead against the cold. I turned around and pressed my back against the wall, covering my face with my hands and sliding down to the floor as I cried.

I was mad.

I was mad that I cut, that broke my promise to Vivian. I was mad at myself, for lying to my mum about being fine. I'm not fine. At all.

Eric came running into the kitchen.

"Luke-" He stopped, and his eyes went wide when he saw me. Natalie was about to tell him to leave, but he started talking again.

"Luke? Are you okay?" He asked quietly, sitting on the floor next to me. I shook my head, my hands still covering my face. He put one hand on my knee, and kept talking. "Mum would sit in her room like this, before she left." He said slowly.

I stopped crying.

"She told me she was okay, but I don't really think she was." He kept talking. "I don't want you act like Mum, Luke."

"Eric." Natalie said, letting a tear slip down her cheek. He didn't listen to her.

"Eric, I won't be like her." I looked up at him, and he was about to cry.

"Do you promise?" He asked with wide eyes.

"I promise." I whispered, sticking my pinky finger out. He stuck his out, too, and we linked our fingers, promising.

"Eric, go play, we'll be right out." Natalie said softly. He slowly walked out of the kitchen, and I watched Natalie sit down across form me on the floor.

"Don't tell Vivian. Please." I whispered.

"I have to." She whispered back.

"Natalie, no." A tear fell down my face.

"Luke." She was still silently crying.

"No." I begged.

My phone rang. I jumped slightly, bringing it out of my pocket.

Viv >_<

'i miss you :('

I replied quickly.

'i miss you more :'('

Not even a minute later, she replied.

'i think i miss you more.'

'no, i miss you a lot more than you think'

"Fine, I won't tell her." She gave in, sighing.

"Thank you." I said softly.