your experiences

31,confused

I Don't fight anymore..I can't do this,now I wanted it too, we kept making out{....}
Till we both felt so tired and fall asleep
••••a day after
In morning,when i opened my eyes ,shawn was in front of window with a cup of coffee still without shirt but with his pant..
Me:good morning..
Shawn turn back...
Shawn:good morning claire
I got up,shawn gave me one of his shirt..I put it on..
Shawn:about what happened last night claire...I'm sor...
I cut him of with a kiss on his lips
Me:I want it too myself..
Shawn was suprised by my kiss
Shawn:but claire...
I put my finger on his lips
Me:don't worry...I keep it as secret
Shawn:but..but..you have boyfriend..I did wrong
Me:no shawn you didn't do anything wrong...i want it myself..I think that i still have same feeling for you like when we were 16
Shawn got even more suprise..
(I keep on)Me:I should dress up and go before ayliah woke up and see us like this
Shawn:ok..
I dress up and left,and I felt a happy feel in my depth of heart
Shawn pov:
I didn't know what was wrong with me last night,i lost my control I just want do it..I did wrong but..she isn't angry..she really have feelings for me still..but it's wrong I made her cheat on her boyfriend..I'm a jerk..
But how come after last night I feel better..maybe I just need love..idk..idk it's wrong..whatever..
I went and took a warm shower to make my mind free...after shower i changed my clothes..and made breakfast for ayliah...and after 10 min ayliah come down..
Ayliah :omg shawn! Is this really you..I can't believe my eyes
I got smile on my face...
Me:yeah this is me..come and have breakfast you will be late for school
Ayliah :omg you are right ok!but after school you should tell me what happened for you
Me:I will think about it..
Ayliah left after breakfast..I got back to babys room to gave them milk cuz they were crying and were hungry...I can't do this alone I need a babysitter... I called my mom and asked her find me one
I start cleaning up the living room, I picked sara stuff..her dress still have her body smell...I miss her so much....wish she was here and I could hold her hand again,hug her,kiss her...she left me so soon..she promise to me she will stay but she break it...I got tear up but I hold them back I remember what she told me...I should protect my children...I pick up everything and put sara dresses in her cupboard..I took her medicen and put them in refrigerator...now everything is clean...I decided to go back to work from today I still have 1 hour to go...suddenly my phone rang!I take look at screan it was sara's mom..
Me:hello mother!
Sara's mom :hello son..I want come over to see my grand children
Me:oh ok..I'm waiting for you..
After 30 min the door bell ring..
I went and opened the door and greet her..I took her to their room
Me:mother can you look after them!I should go back to work starting from today...
Sara's mom: I can but I can't all day long only till 3 pm...
Me: that's good!for rest of day I will take a babysitter,omg I'm late...see you soon mother...
Sara's mom :ok son see you soon
I left for work...while I was driving I think about what I did last night again..I still don't believe it why I did it..what if her boyfriend find out and break up with her...what should I do! It was craziest thing I have ever done...how I could destroy her life I'm such jerk I was in these thoughts all the time...I got to my work place...I got off from car..and went in..my friends all were suprise by seeing me and after some min of asking how I am I started working again but couldn't get that think out of my head...I should apologize from her but how...idk
When I got back home,ayliah and mom were there..mom had sam in her arms and make him sleep and Alissia was sleep already..I went close to watch them..gosh i.miss them so much...suddenly mom called me
Karen: shawn come here,dinner is ready
Me:let me change first I will come
I went and took a shower, change my clothes then came down stairs
I sat on table,ayliah came and sat next to me
Karen: let's eat..and specialy you shawn...you lost over 10kg..you should eat more
Me:I will try mom..I will
I tried to eat,but really couldn't much..I still can't eat..cuz whenever I want eat sara comes to mind..how she threw up with out eating and suffer like this..it breaks my heart..i got 4 or 5 spon of my soup I said sorry to mom and left the table... after some min ayliah come to my room..she put her hand on my shoulder...
Ayliah:you still can't eat well shawn
Me:I really can't,just imagine how much sara suffer,I just can't
Ayliah:I can't understand you well cuz I didn't go through what you were in ..but please keep strong
Me:I'm trying so hard,but every time I..I just fail
Ayliah:btw what happened last night,you change much from last night
Me:nothing..I just talked with claire..
Ayliah :I don't think it was a normal talking shawn..cuz we all talked to you but nothing changes..what she said?
I kept silence for some min,I didn't know what to reply..its hilarious to tell her what I did..and really can't tell her
Me: not sth special lyiah,i really mean it
Ayliah:seems you don't want tell me,well ok!
She left my room,i just lyed on bed and after some min I fall asleep