doppelgänger [completed]

twenty.

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"How's your medication working for you, Jimin?"

"It's fine,"

"At our last session you were saying how your goals were to go to work every day. How is that coming along?"

"Fine,"

"Are you going to work?"

"Yes,"

"Every day?"

"Yes,"

"That's a great accomplishment so far, don't you think?"

"I guess,"

"You don't sound very confident today. What's on your mind?"

"I'm fine,"

"Any side effects from your medication?"

"No,"

"How's your relationship with Taehyung?"

"It's fine,"

"This session will go a lot better if you participate in the conversation, you know,"

"I don't have anything to say today,"

"And in Jimin language this translates to 'I actually have a lot to say, but I'm not going to',"

"You know me well,"

"We've been working together for years, I would hope so. Why don't you tell me what's going on?"

"I can't,"

"And why is that?"

"It's just something I want to try to figure out on my own,"

"You know I'd prefer it if you at least gave me an idea of what you are trying to figure out, that way I can note if you are safe or not,"

"I am safe,"

"How can I know that if I'm not sure what's going on?"

"Sometimes...sometimes I just want to pretend that I'm not sick anymore. So if something comes up that might be symptomatic, I want to be able to use my tools to solve the problem instead of running to therapy or immediately calling Taehyung or my mom. Don't I deserve a chance at executing my own resources first?"

"I agree with everything you said except the 'pretending not to be sick' part,"

"I know, I know that I'm sick. I know how I can get,"

"My fear is not you wanting or trying to handle situations on your own, Jimin. My fear is you not knowing when it's time to ask for help if you cannot figure it out,"

"So what do I do then?"

"I'll note this, and I will wish you luck. And the next time we see each other we'll have a more thorough discussion about what happened when you used your resources. Agreed?"

"Okay,"

"But I want you to promise me that if you are in danger, or if you feel like you are not handling it well, then you schedule with me right away,"

"I will,"

"Jimin...you're doing really well right now. Don't you want to retain this feeling?"

"Yes, more than anything. But I can't,"

"And why not?"

"Because everytime a good thought comes into my head it's immediately replaced with a bad one. I can't..."

"You can't what?"

"No! Why am I telling you this? I just said I wanted to figure this out on my own and now I'm telling you all my issues right now! I hate therapy so much sometimes,"

"Jimin, don't get upset. I'm here for you as I have been for years,"

"You know how to get me to say things when I don't want to say them! Why would you do that? If I don't want to talk about something I shouldn't have to!"

"We don't have to continue with this conversation if you don't want to,"

"That's not the point! I -- I know what I'm doing, okay! I don't need this anymore,"

"You are allowing your bad thoughts to overcome your happiness. I want to walk through these emotions with you so you can understand them,"

"No, I'm done talking,"

"You don't have to say anything more, but listen to me. You are in control of your thoughts. No one else. You think, you feel, you act, remember? In that order. Your thoughts control how you feel. And you know there are thoughts that are healthy to experience -- confusion, doubt, contemplation. Distinguish your thoughts so you can control how you feel, Jimin. Hold onto them with everything you have, okay?"

"I want to go,"

"We have something scheduled on the calendar in two weeks. Please contact me if you change your mind. You know my door is always open for you,"

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