Soar // Hamliza

• chapter 2 •

• Eliza •

I feel terrible whenever I lie. I find it stupid to make something up instead of just telling the truth. But when I told Alexander that I was fine, it was a total lie.

He's recovering from cancer, I can't put all my problems on him! He thinks everything with my life is fine right now, but it's not. I don't know what to do and I can't go to him.

I'm struggling. Over the past couple of months I've sort of pushed my own problems aside and not dealt with what I needed to deal with. My anxiety is kicking up again and this time it's hitting me like it has a purpose. Same with depression, but I'm trying to keep myself from fading off into the deep end like I was before, when Mom died.

I don't want to worry Alex with my issues. I can deal with it myself... right? And there's always my sisters, I suppose. I just hate having to make other people listen to me complain about my life issues when they could be doing something better, you know?

I told myself all this as I wandered the supermarket, looking for a few groceries so I could make lunch when I got home.

I sighed and set a bag of lettuce in the basket I was holding and moved on, trying to distract myself from the pit of anxiety in my stomach.

Being in public wasn't my favorite thing. I used to love going out. I would constantly go shopping with friends and walk around town and have fun outside of my house, but for some reason I can't go out anymore without the worry that something bad will happen to me or just in general. I don't know what happened to me.

I grabbed tomatoes and carrots and kept walking, keeping my head down, focusing on the tiles of the store. My thoughts suddenly switched to dance, and the realization that I hadn't actually practiced in over a week. Maybe it could be my motivator, my push to be happy and not so anxious anymore.

I headed to self-checkout and scanned my items quickly, wanting to get back home and eat my salad so I could lace up my pointe shoes and dance away my problems. And I did just that.

I warmed up quickly after changing into a new, dark blue leotard and tights. It felt so amazing to put on my pointe shoes and begin to dance in them. I turned on some slower music and let myself be drawn in by it. It was from a variation I had learned not too long ago, so I remembered all the moves pretty easily.

For the next five minutes or so, I danced all my problems away. I pushed the anxiety out of me as best I could and focused on my movement and working those emotions into it, instead of feeling them directly. That's what I absolutely love about dance, it lets you feel things in a while new way.

I sat down on the floor and practiced my splits and some other stretches for a while to cool down, knowing I'd practice later. I just wanted a little bit of relaxation before I had to work on homework or anything.

I didn't notice Angelica leaning in the doorway until I finished unlacing my pointe shoes. I jumped a little when I saw her, earning a little laugh from her in response. I stood up and walked over to her, flicking the lights of my dance room off and walking out with her to my bedroom.

"What's up?" I said as we walked.

"I just wanted to check on you. Is everything alright?" She asked, concern lacing her tone as we walked into my room and sat down, both of us criss-cross on my large bed.

"What do you mean?" I asked, frowning in confusion. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

"You've just been so stressed lately, I can tell. Between Alexander and school and dancing and the fact that you have pretty bad anxiety issues to begin with, you can't be holding up completely fine, you know?" She said.

I swear, it's like Angie can read my mind sometimes. I thought back to what I was thinking about earlier and sighed softly, wrapping my arms around myself.

"I'm... working through it, sort of. I was actually thinking about all that earlier, I just don't want to worry anyone, I guess." I said softly. She shook her head and leaned forward, hugging me tightly.

"Hey, I'm always here to listen, I promise. Whatever's going on, you can talk to me. I'm your sister, alright? Don't be afraid to open up to me." She said, letting go. I nodded and looked down, fiddling with the sleeves of the cream colored sweater I had changed into after dancing.

"Eliza, cmon. Just rant to me. I promise, it'll make you feel so much better." Angelica prompted. I really didn't want to dump everything on her but it sounded so tempting. I picked at the fuzzy socks on my feet that were tucked under my legs and breathed in deeply, still not meeting my older sisters eyes.

"I'm not doing that great, honestly. I'm just scared all the time of absolutely nothing at all. Like today, I was at the store and I just felt like freaking out for no reason at all. I'm constantly on edge and it's so hard to deal with. And..." I said, hesitating for a moment. Should I tell her about what else is going on? She grabbed my hands and I looked up at her.

"You can tell me anything." She said. I nodded and looked away again, focusing on a specific spot on my wall just below my desk.

"I feel so empty. All the time. And sad, too. I won't even be thinking of anything sad and I'll still feel it. I just want to stay in bed all day and not do anything. I have no motivation anymore. I feel... lost." I said, deciding to leave it at that. She pulled me in for another hug, looking a little more concerned after what I had said.

"We'll figure it all out." She whispered, still hugging me. And for a moment, I almost believed her.

a/n: like I did on my lams book, I'm going apologize for my mini hiatus and that whole a/n chapter that I posted. I'm so so sorry if I worried any of you with that. I feel so selfish about what I almost did and then posting that a/n. I, like Eliza in this chapter, am attempting to work through my issues but ultimately failing to be totally honest. I just wish I could go back to being the happy and fun author I was when I was writing my Jamilton fic last year. Anyways, all the messages I received on those a/n's are what I've been using for inspiration to get out of bed the past week or so. I feel so blessed that you guys care about me even though you don't know me in real life so I can't thank you enough for that. Thank you for giving me hope when I desperately need it. These next few weeks will be very difficult for me but you guys are the best supposed system I could ask for through all this, so thank you.