Soar // Hamliza

• chapter 11 •

• Alexander •

I'm sort of shocked at myself.

I can't believe I actually had Eliza leave the room for the counseling part of the checkup. I never make her leave, but after everything I've gone through mentally... she doesn't need to hear the whole thing. She doesn't need more to worry more than she does.

"Let's continue. How are you feeling with all of your previous diagnoses?" The doctor asked. I shifted a bit. I never really liked telling people about all my problems.

"Um... things haven't been great, I guess. Nothing's getting better. And it sucks, because things were slowly improving and then suddenly it just took a nosedive. Everyone always says, 'oh, don't worry, it gets better, you'll be fine' but that's a lie. Things might seem better, but then they'll just get worse again. They always do, every time." I said, emotion filling my voice.

"It might seem like that right now, but I promise, with a good therapist and some medication, things honestly will improve. Like I said before, we're here to help you and make sure you're okay." The doctor said, setting his clipboard aside, finally. I nodded slightly, but was still unsure. Talking and drugs can't get rid of my past, despite what all these doctors think.

"Ok." I mumbled. He stood up and straightened out his jacket, wishing me a good day, then taking the clipboard and leaving the room. Eliza walked back in and sat down next to me where she was before.

"Look, I don't want to be one of those girlfriends, but why did you send me out? I want to help you, and it scares me so much that things are so bad that you need to send me out of the room. I love you way too much to let you suffer!" She exclaimed after a moment of silence.

"Because you don't need to worry more! You get mad that I don't tell you my problems but I guarantee you're hiding your own!" I said. I was trying to protect her from myself, but I could tell the last line pushed it a bit too far.

"Seriously? You're going to bring my problems into this? We can talk about me another time, but right now, this is about you. What is so terrible that you can't even tell me?" She said, anger beginning to fill her voice.

"Fine! You really want to know? If it isn't obvious enough, things have gotten worse! Issues I haven't had to deal with in years have resurfaced and I'm back to my good old depressed self! I can't go a day without thinking that I'd be better off dead and that all these doctors are doing all this stuff for absolutely nothing. There, how's that for honest, Eliza? Aren't you just so damn proud of the mess that I am, so happy that you ended up with a messed up dumbass?" I said, raising my voice subconsciously.

She opened and closed her mouth as she stared at me with wide eyes, at a loss for words.

"I... how can you possibly believe that?" She said in shock, still staring at me.

"That's what I was raised to believe! That's what everyone told me, my whole life. Every day, all I'd hear about was how I'm a worthless bastard and no one will ever truly love me. Every. Single. Day." I said loudly, throwing my hands up in exasperation.

"You're not." Is all she said. I laughed humorlessly and rolled my eyes, letting my head fall back against the pillow. I buried my head in my hands as I tried to soothe the headache, which had worsened from the yelling.

"How can you possibly believe that?" I said, copying her words from just minutes ago. She stood there for another minute before walking out of the room, shutting the door behind her without another word. What a surprise. My idiot self screwed up again, and pushed another person out of my life.

But it was only a matter of time until she realized I wasn't worthy of any of this.

a/n: I'm so bad at updating tbh like I keep disappearing for 1-2 weeks and then posting again... also, I'm still sick which sucks and I'm so exhausted but what else is new