Soar // Hamliza

• chapter 9 •

• Alexander •

I woke up in a daze, feeling more tired than I was before and not even remembering how I fell asleep. But then I saw Eliza, staring up at me with her beautiful, dark eyes, and I remembered.

I had been crying. God, how embarrassing that she walked in on that. She comforted me. She held me and gave me that one pillow from her house, that I always held just as a comfort thing. She had wiped away my tears and calmed me down from what happened.

I had just been sitting here, as usual. I was alone and feeling absolutely terrible about so many things: myself, my life, the way I'd been treating people and pushing people away. I thought about how no one came to visit yesterday. No one even called to say they weren't coming.

And then I found a pencil sharpener. And like the idiot I am, I took it apart and did something I shouldn't have. I can't tell her what I did. I can't tell her that it's what I've needed for months, because all this time I've been suffering in silence from the depression. I can't tell her that I wish I could just die already, and not have to try to fight the cancer that would probably just consume me someday, despite all this effort to keep me from dying.

Why me? Why am I the one who just can't die? Why did I live through the sickness, the hurricane, the suicide attempt, the cancer and literally dying on the operating table, but still being revived? What greater force decided that I'm the one who just needs to stay here? And why the hell are they putting me through all this?

"What happened?" Eliza said softly. I snapped out of my thoughts and sighed, leaning my head against her shoulder. She nuzzled into me and stroked my short hair, something she knew that I loved and that calmed me immensely.

"I screwed up. I'm such a mess, and I don't even want to be alive anymore." I said after a moment of hesitation. She looked up at me and squeezed my hand.

"Please tell me what happened, more specifically. I love you with all of my heart and I'm really worried about you. I feel like you're really hurting mentally and emotionally, and I don't want you to feel that way. I'm your girlfriend, you can tell me anything. I promise, no one else will hear about it and I'll try with every part of me to help you. I just need to know what's wrong so I can figure out the best way to help you." She said. I nodded and waited a few minutes, thinking everything out before I said it.

"I was upset because no one came here yesterday. It's such a stupid thing to be upset over, but no one even called or texted or said they weren't coming. I was really looking forward to seeing everyone since I usually only see most of you guys once a week. Plus, yesterday was kind of just a really horrible day for me, and I was hoping you guys would be able to make me feel better." I began, not meeting Eliza's eyes. I felt bad for saying that now because she looked really guilty.

"I'm so sorry. I should've called or something. We were all really tired after SAT's and everything, so we decided to just stay at home and rest. I'm honestly really, really sorry. But keep going." She said. I could hear the regret in her voice. I waved off her apologies, not wanting to dwell on it.

"And then today, it just hurt really bad, all day. Physically, I mean. It's probably because I didn't sleep and I'm not really hungry anymore so I don't eat much, but my head just hurts all the time, so badly. And when it gets worse, it's like there's a bomb going off inside my head and it's the worst thing ever. I can't stand it, so I was frustrated with that too. None of the medicine the doctors give me have worked." I continued, laying my head back on her shoulder.

"And my emotions have been a mess too. I get so angry over nothing, and then jealous of you guys for being able to actually live, and then upset over the tiniest things and it makes everything ten times worse. And depression is just kicking my ass really badly right now, which leads to the next thing," I said, barely thinking about what I was saying anymore. My mind and my mouth were disconnected, and my feelings were now in the place of my mind.

"And then today, I found a pencil sharpener and I took it apart which was so dumb, and then I did something dumber with it because I just needed to feel something. I was so numb at that point that it terrified me, so I turned to the worst coping mechanism ever. I'm so sorry, Liza. I really thought I was past all this at this point. And I know you worry so much, and I wish I didn't do that but at the same time I still want to-" I was cut off by her pressing her lips to mine.

She kissed me gently, resting one hand on the back of my head lightly and the other on my cheek. I kissed her back, taking it in. Kissing her made me forget everything, it distracted me. It was one of the most beautiful things I was lucky enough to experience, like all the good things in life put together.

She pulled away and sighed, hugging me against her again.

"I was so scared of this happening. I mean, I knew you'd relapse eventually because everyone does, but I just didn't expect it to be now. But let me tell you this, you deserve to be alive. If you died, I don't know what I would do. I think we've really gotta sit you down with a counselor again and get this sorted out. Get you on depression meds or something, because this really isn't healthy for you. I love you too much to see you in pain, and I want to help you. Will you let me help you?" She said.

"Alright." I mumbled against her shoulder. I don't want to have to meet back up with a therapist again, but I'll try for her.

We sat there like that for a few minutes before she spoke up again.

"Can I see them? How bad are they?" She asked. I knew immediately what she meant, and pulled away from her, reluctantly rolling my sleeves up.

She ran her finger over the thin red lines, biting her lip. Her eyes were glistening with tears and when they silently began to fall, I pulled my sleeves back down and comforted her like she did to me, promising that I'd try my hardest to stop and that I'd throw away the razor away.

But it wasn't enough, because the damage was already done.

a/n: i feel so bad for putting alex through all this. i honestly hate torturing characters but it adds a lot of depth to the story and makes them seem a lot more real (at least, to me it does.) I hope you liked the chapter!