Soar // Hamliza

• chapter 7 •

• Alexander •

I sighed and stared at the ceiling, wishing I wasn't in this stupid hospital. Today, all the juniors are taking their ACT's or SAT's. Well, all the juniors but me.

I'd sent out tons of good luck messages this morning, along with a short call to Eliza to wish her luck and help calm her nerves.

I wish I could be taking my ACT right now. I wish I had a normal 17 year olds life. I wish I could just be a normal person, not one with brain cancer. I want my life back.

The past couple of months, my feelings on my whole situation have varied. At first it was fear. I was terrified that I was going to die, despite the fact that I'd had many near death experiences and almost took my own life more than once.

Then it was just pain. There was so much pain, all the time. There still is. My head would ache, my body would feel so worn out, and overall it just felt like someone had hit me with a bus five times in a row.

Then it was nothingness. Emptiness. Depression. Accepting the fact that I was probably going to die and there was nothing I could do. Then I almost did die, but I didn't. I just barely scraped by.

Hope came afterwards, but it didn't last long. Hope never really does stick around in a hospital, that's what I've noticed. At least, in my case. People always say they're going to pray and send well wishes and hope that you'll get better, but at some point it's just too much of a stretch. Will hope alone save an 18 year old boy with a 10 percent chance of surviving severe brain cancer? Doubtful.

Boredom came next. I was so bored all the time. These doctors don't let me do anything. I can sit in bed all day, and that pretty much it. I can do homework, but not for long since it could cause a headache. I could watch TV, but only for a short amount of time a day since the effects could harm my brain.

Currently, I was frustrated and almost angry. Why did this have to happen to me, of all people? How come I couldn't just live my life and go to school and be happy with Eliza and my friends? Why couldn't I be okay, just for once? How many near death experiences do I need?

I was angry that I was missing classmates parties. That I missed Christmas and New Years and my own fucking 18th birthday. I'm angry that I can't go to school or have lunch with my friends or hang out at the Schuyler's house. I'm angry that I can't dance or run or even get out of my bed.

I feel bad about the anger because I know it's made me become more snippy. The doctors told me it was alright and that chemo as well as the medication accompanying it can cause cancer patients to be more angry that usual.

I hate myself and the angry person I've become. I used to be so nice to the nurses, always thanking them and letting them know I appreciated what they were doing. Now, I'd lash out when they wouldn't let me out of bed, getting upset and yelling at them to leave me alone.

I hardly talk to any of my friends as often as I did before all this, because of jealousy. They talk about the things they've been doing in some attempt to distract me or cheer me up, but it just makes me upset because I can't do anything.

I want this all to be over.

I'm a monster. I disgust myself. I hate who I've become.

a/n: quick little alex monologue for you guys. im still trying to figure out the plot for this book but it'll definitely improve soon. But tbh, I feel bad for alex, despite the fact that he sees himself as horrible. But it's understandable with all he's going through. Anyone else agree?