Soar // Hamliza

• chapter 18 •

• Eliza •

By the time I had left Alexander, I felt like my insides were glowing. His love, his compliments and his care for me made my heart feel like it was flying. He made me feel so helpless, in the best way possible.

The anxiety that was constantly bothering me was for now at a stand still. I still hadn't mentioned anything about it to Alex, but I knew he could probably tell some of it. If my sisters could pick up on it, he definitely could too.

I had been thinking about my future a lot lately. I was slowly dragging towards the end of high school, and before I knew it, I needed to make a decision about college and careers and things like that.

Thinking about the future gave me a whole lot of anxiety most of the time. I was never sure what I wanted to do, was constantly switching my mind back and forth and felt rushed to figure out what to choose. But lately, the idea that had been stuck in my head was being in a company. After seeing the NYCB, I couldn't help but long to join them.

I knew that it would be a long shot. I had stopped taking classes and lessons a while ago and tended to just practice on my own and teach myself new skills. Most of the dancers in companies went to ballet schools where they spent nearly the whole day learning, taking class, practicing and building up to the day they would audition for a company. How could I take a spot from someone who had spent years of their life dedicated to getting into a company? Especially when I had just thought of it on a whim?

I struggled with the decision, tossing and turning it over in my mind, examining the pros and cons. But at the end of the day, it just called my name so loudly. I knew ballet wouldn't last forever, it rarely does for professionals. I knew that I could still go to college, whether it be right out of high school or later on, and I could have a little more time to choose a career that felt right for me once dancing was no longer in the picture.

Before I knew it, I was sitting on the floor in my studio, leaned against a wall, typing and searching on my phone.

"skills to know in company audition"
"nycb open audition calls"
"how to prepare for a ballet audition"
"private ballet lessons near me"

I think I was ready to go back into the dance world, full-fledged. If I was going to do this, I had to do this the right way. I needed to get back to lessons and work on my skills with a professional, take some master classes, make some connections. If this dream ends up not working out, not lasting? That's fine, that's alright. In the end, I'll just have something to look back on later on, something to tell my future kids about when they ask what I was passionate about when I was younger.

I smiled to myself at the thought of future children. Alexander and I never really talk about the idea of us in the future, especially not with what he's been going through lately. But I have to admit, sometimes I sit up at night after scrolling through Instagram and seeing a mother and her kids and I get to thinking. I picture little dark haired kids running around a big house, Alex with a ring on his finger, picking the kids up for piggy back rides, carrying them around the house, while I watch him and laugh at my love and our children.

Every girl thinks she's going to marry her first love. At least, that's what my mom always used to tell me. She would tell me stories about her first boyfriend, who she dated for most of high school before he broke her heart during their junior year. She told me about how she would picture them on their wedding day, having kids, building a life together. She said that it was all part of being so blinded by love that you thought you'd never be with anyone else.

Obviously, she didn't end up marrying him, having kids with him, or building a life with him. Instead, she met my father in a lecture hall while they were in college, and their love was slow-burning but strong. They didn't start dating until almost two years after they had met, and those two years were filled with mutual crushing and longing for the other person to make a move.

My mother and father's love story was one that I hoped to have, despite the fact that their story was cut off in the middle of its sentence. My mom's death broke my dad so much more than he ever said, but it was clear in the way everything about him changed. Ever since our trip to London to say goodbye to her for the last time, he was detached, practically silent at all times, and threw himself into his work more than ever before.

I feared that my father was going to work himself to death, similar to the way I worried about Alex when he became hyper-focused. I spent a lot of time making my dad meals and delivering them to his office, lingering in the doorway to be sure that he would eat at least some of the food. I would wake up in the middle of the night to find him still behind his computer, begging him to go to bed and get some rest. He no longer slept in the room that he used to share with my mom. I knew it hurt him too much and he didn't want to move anything from the way it was before she passed.

He was so completely devoted to her. Every hour, minute, second of the time he had with her was dedicated to her, even when he was working. I think my mom always knew that deep down, Philip Schuyler wasn't completely suited for fatherhood. Despite this, she managed to convince him to have three children, his girls.

I smiled to myself as I recalled all the memories little-me had with my father. We always knew that he wasn't like other dads, he worked a lot more and was always busy, but that didn't stop him from trying his very best to be the best dad he could. He built a swing set for us in the backyard, set up dance studios for each of us when we showed interest in dancing, and always made the best pancakes every Saturday. We used to all sit at the table and eat them while we talked about our week. He still makes pancakes every Saturday. He still listens while we tell him everything that we've done over the week. My mom's spot remains empty, and I think it always will. I think he loves her too much, to the point where he can't move on to someone else.

I felt a sudden pang in my stomach, missing my mother so badly. It had been a while since I had had this acute of an aching for her to be here with me. I always missed her, every single day, and she was always on my mind in some shape or form. But right now, I missed her so much that she filled all my senses and I could hardly think of anything else.

I couldn't help but think that my mom would've wanted me to join a company. She told me how much she loved watching me dance and expressed how much she wished she had been a dancer when she was younger. I wish she would've been around longer and I could've taught her. I would've loved to teach her.

I think my decision is settled. I think I'm going to make a move like my dad, doing something that was fully, totally dedicated to her. This is what she would've wanted.

My goal is now out on the table: join the New York City Ballet and dance. In honor of her.

a/n: yes, i know that in real life the nycb does not hold open audition and gets their dancers from the school of american ballet!! just thought i'd add a lil twist and change things up to fit the story ahahah