Remi Never Smiles ✔️

Epilogue

"You've managed to still feel guilty after 13 years? Give it up. Let go."

"It's been my fault for 13 years. I'm so sorry."

"Keep apologizing for something that had little to nothing to do with you, and you'll end up in another nuthouse. It was not your fucking fault. Get over yourself. Let go."

"No. If I let go of this, I let go of you. I don't want to lose you again. This is all I have."

"Don't be selfish. You have a family, a husband and a son, who miss you. The old you. The healthier you. If you let go, they can be happy and you can be free."

"I said, no. I'm guilty. It's my fault. You're 6-feet under because of me."

"I wanted to go. I let go because I wanted to go. Not because you didn't want me."

"Don't lie to me."

He sighs, and I can almost feel his breath. Almost. "Remi, I need you to let me go. You can't keep living like this."

"Nick, you're all I have left. Please don't do this."

"You know that's not true. You can't guilt-trip me. You're talking to yourself, Rainbow. Luke and Damien are all you need. You don't need me anymore. I'm gone. Let me be gone."

"I miss you so much. I don't want you to leave me. How am I supposed to keep going without you?"

"You're doing it right now. You got through high school. You managed your mental health. You made it through your parents. You lived. All without me. You can do this. Just let go."

"I can't, Nick. I can't. I don't want you to leave me."

"Remi, I left 13 years ago. You just haven't noticed. It's time. Your husband needs his wife. Your son needs his mother. You don't need me anymore. You stopped needing me long before I left. It's okay. You can let me go now."

"How? How do I just let you go, Nick? I would if I could."

I can almost hear him laugh. I can almost see him smile. I'd give an arm to see that smile.

"You're not trying, Remi-Rainbow."

"13 years of doing nothing? Are you serious? Riddle me this, Nick, how the fuck am I not trying because I would love to start."

"Stop being a smart-ass, and wake up."

"What does that even mean? I'm dreaming? Yeah, I knew that."

"No, Rem. Wake up."

The thunder interrupted my sleep. I jolt up from my pillow and look outside. It's pouring. I look to my right. Luke is sleeping soundly. The comforter covers most of his face, but I can still tell the differences. He's older. He's mature.

He mumbles something that I can't quite understand, but I do manage to hear the wailing on the other side of the bedroom door.

I don't remember where I am, but it's all familiar. I'm comfortable, I'm safe.

Luke nudges me, mumbling again about something being my turn. I get up to check on whatever is breaking my heart. The door creaks open and I make my way down a short hallway, stopping at another door where the crying is at its loudest. I open it— this one creaks as well— and the sobbing turns into soft whimpers.

My son reaches out to me from his crib, his little hands shaking in fear. He whispers my name over and over again, begging for relief. Instinctively, I pick him up to comfort him. His hands latch onto my shirt, holding tight to the fabric. I feel like I should protect him from everything that gives him worries. The thunder would never dare to cross me.

"Damien."

He looks up at me with his bright blue eyes, much calmer than when I had arrived. He looks just like his father, despite his dark curls and skin. A beautiful child and a beautiful man.

Minutes later, more doors creak and Luke's standing with us too. He looks tired, but happy. He smiles and kisses the top of my head, then his son's.

"I guess we're all scared of thunderstorms, huh?" he asks, not meaning to get an answer.

We both take the time to look at what we made together. He has his nose and eyes, my ears and lips, etcetera. A perfect combination of us two.

He smiles again. "Should we start celebrating early, or should we let him sleep a little longer? It's almost 8."

"Celebrate what?"

Taking the baby from my arms and into his, he laughs lightly. "Maybe Mama needs to sleep a little longer too, hmm?"

He puts him back down for a few more hours of sleep, taking me by the hand back into our room with our creaky door and creaky floor and creaky bed.

He tucks me in, still showing his old childish behavior. "Get some sleep, and then we can take him out for his birthday... Maybe even visit Uncle Nick as well. Buy balloons and flowers, it'll be nice."

"What's today's date?"

His face shows three different emotions in three different seconds. He thought it was funny, then he was confused, finishing with worry.

"Remi, are you okay, babe? Do you need a little break?"

"No, no." No matter how much I might need one, I really need some closure. "I just want you to tell me the date. I'm a little tired, that's all."

His smile is skeptical, but pure nonetheless. "She asks, and she receives. It's June third."

My breath hitches. I didn't know it was today. Oh, please, not today.

He puts a hand on my forehead. "We can put a raincheck on the little family birthday party. I'm sure Damien won't mind."

"It's his birthday too?"

"Okay, you're scaring me. Are you sure you don't need to wait a bit? We can visit Nick some other time, if that's what's bothering you."

"No, Fishy. I'm okay."

He chuckles in surprise. "You haven't called me that in years."

"It's about time that I bring it back."

He smiles again. "I love you. Are you sure that you're okay?"

"I'm fine. I promise. I'll take a nap, though. Just for you."

"Thank you, my love."

I scoff. "Yeah, yeah. I love you too."

The rest of the day is history. His first birthday was a success. I made cupcakes. Luke got icing in his nose. Damien got icing in his hair. I got icing on the ceiling. It was just us three, but that's all we needed. I love them so much that it hurts.

Visiting Nick was the hardest part of that day, but it was needed. I made it to the cemetary without that gut-wrenching feeling of guilt. I made it to his tombstone without wishing death upon myself instead. I managed to sit down with my family, and talk to him a bit without apologizing for everything. And I left without missing him even more than I should. I could smile without feeling like I stole his happiness.

I look at my little boy with hearts in my eyes. His life is everything to me. I look at my husband with love in my soul. His breath keeps me going. I look at the road ahead of us with hope.

I hope that the future comes.