intellectual » k.n.j // #LostStarsAwards2k18 #COWA2018

xi || conversation chapter...?

>i hate you so

Namjoon was lying on his bed, thinking. Staying up late thinking and staring at the ceiling until he feel drowsy was pretty much a tradition to him.

His thoughts just won't fucking shut up.

It was just the same though, ever since he met [Y/N], the topic of his thoughts are just the same.

God and [Y/N].

If God is merciful, answering people and giving hope...

Why would He let genocides happen?

Terrorist attacks?

Why would he let others suffer?

Why would He let her suffer like this?

Why are we here? Does He just sit somewhere above and play with our strings of fate?

Play some goddamn melody to feel the fucking vibe and watch tragedies happen simultaneously?

The lamp was on so he wasn't staring to vast darkness. He never liked the dark.

But, the dark hides the realities you want to escape.

He slid that thought in, now that his face showed glum. He glanced at the lamp at his right side, glowing faintly because of the lampshade. The faint light covered most of the room, but it didn't reached the doors--- to Taehyung's and his closets, the bathroom, and the exit to the hallway, and to the window, Taehyung's side, who was soundly asleep. The window did offer Seoul's night life scenario though, and Namjoon thought star gazing would be neat. Counting stars and the cold breeze.

Why am I convinced that there's a God all of a sudden?

Namjoon sat up from lying down, bringing his knees together and hugging them. He laid his head to his inclined thighs and looked out the window.

I really want to go outside now.

But it's pretty dangerous.

He stayed like that, still pondering.

Why would He allow deformities on other people? Allow differences for each other?

Why did He let wars happen?

And if real, why did he let Adam and Eve be tempted to eat the fruit?

To test their loyalty? Their strength? What the fuck.

The ones who can't take control of their lives and can't stand the fact that they're alone in this world. Now, if that became the byproduct of testing the 'first' two humans in this planet, then it made everything worse.

Am I being salty?

Am I just saying this because I try and contradict everything that proclaims the existence of whoever's up there?

Namjoon's frown deepened as he continued staring out the window. Why is he starting to doubt now, when he never acknowledge any existence of any God at all? Well, maybe he did but that's because he came across the Greek and Roman mythologies at some point in his life.

But he's starting to get more and more confused. He's pretty sure he won't think of it this much when Jimin asked him why he didn't want to go to church with them, but what made this topic linger in his head more was the one who asked the question, "Do you happen to believe in a God?"

As an atheist, Namjoon would reach his brain for answers, defenses, and sources. Fortunately and unfortunately, Namjoon is an existentialist. He knows in himself that he'd come thinking all the time and reaching out on the issue of belief made his late-night thinking way addictive.