Poker Face

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SUNDAY, AUGUST 17, 2014 | 9:05 AM | BEATRICE

I'm so angry I could scream. I glare at the suitcases Caleb has set neatly by the front door, my arms crossed over my chest, then turn that glare back to my brother.

"I don't understand how you can just leave right now, Caleb!" I seethe. "You heard the doctors yesterday. Her days are numbered, in the single digits. Her body is already shutting down. You should be here for her!"

"And if they're wrong?" Caleb counters. "If she lasts another few weeks, where does that leave me? School starts in a week, Beatrice."

"So stay the week!" I scream. "You'll have to fly right back as it is, for Mom's..." I swallow the lump in my throat; I can't even say it. I can't bear to say the word 'funeral' in relation to my mother.

Caleb pinches the bridge of his nose. "Beatrice, my flight leaves in two hours. Can you just give me a ride to the damn airport?!"

I scoff. "Fuck you, Caleb. You want to leave and let your own mother go through this without you here to support her, then go, but I won't be a part of it. Call a damn Uber. I'm going to the hospital to see Mom."

"Fine," he snaps... and then he pulls out his phone to order the fucking Uber ride.

Angry tears roll down my cheeks all the way to the hospital, but I manage to pull myself together, more or less, by the time I arrive to Mom's floor. I still feel like I could break down if I see her just now, so I stop in and see Uriah's dad, Jacob, first.

I knock lightly at the door before slowly pushing it open. Uriah gives me a sad smile and pats the empty spot next to him on the window bench; I see that Jacob is asleep, and Uriah's mom, Hana, must be working today.

"So he really left, huh?" Uriah asks.

"Yep," I reply. "That obvious?"

"I can read you like a book, Beatrice." He gives me that sad smile again, the same as the first time we made eye contact when we passed in the hall a month ago. Has it only been a month? How is that possible? "I'm guessing you came here first to buy some time and put on your poker face."

"You know me so well." He just smiles. "Do you ever feel that way about Zeke? I know his situation is a little different..."

Uriah sighs. "Yeah, I mean, a little. But it is different with Zeke, and I know it's unfair of me to feel that way. My brother would give anything to be here with Dad. But he was really lucky to secure the job and apartment he did; with all Dad's medical bills..."

"Right," I sigh. Uriah's mom, Hana, picks up a lot of overtime to make ends meet and limit the debt she's left with, but even so... when Jacob dies he will leave a mountain of medical bills behind. Zeke is only doing what he must.

I keep Uriah company for a few more minutes. Once I am completely calmed down from my fight with Caleb—Mom would sense it if I wasn't—I make the short trek down the hall to Mom's room. 

Lately, my need to be as close to my mother as possible has created the habit of laying together in her hospital bed, so as soon as I arrive, I help her scoot to one side of the bed and squeeze in next to her. She is weak and frail, and the cancer has spread to her brain and taken her vision, but she is still herself.

"I spoke to your father about your request last night," she tells me. "He agreed to let you attend the public school. He will stop by to enroll you there on Monday."

"Really?!" I squeal, I didn't think it was possible. "I guess you got him on the money argument?"

"Yes, and you and I both know you aren't striving for Harvard like your brother, though you're certainly bright enough."

"No I'm not," I argue.

"Yes, Beatrice, you are. But that's not your dream."

I sigh. "I'm not sure what my dream is."

"You're young," Mom says. "You have plenty of time to explore the world and find out. I just wish I could be here to find out what you discover and hear all about your adventures."

I ache at her words. It hurts already that I won't be able to tell her of all the adventures that I haven't yet dreamed of. And I ache for all the things I never shared with her.

"Would you like to hear of all the adventures I've had so far?" I ask.

Mom squeezes my hand. "There is nothing I would like more, Beatrice."

I talk for hours. I tell her of my first love, leaving out details like losing my virginity, and just how bad the timing of his sudden abandonment was, but it's healing to share what I do. I recount Caleb and my secret childhood missions to snoop our Christmas gifts or catch Santa coming down the chimney. I tell her all about my alter-ego, Tris, and all the fun Uriah and I have. I even tell her about the that impromptu street race we got into last week. I talk right through lunchtime, not wanting to lose a moment with her.

Somehow she stays awake for all of that. When Uriah comes by to see her late in the afternoon, I can tell she can barely stay awake another moment.

"Uriah, come here, dear," Mom requests.

When he's close enough she pulls him in for a hug. I don't hear what she says to him, but I hear him murmur, "I promise." She kisses him on the cheek before she releases him.

"Beatrice," Mom says, "go get some dinner with Uriah. I'm ready to sleep now." I'm hesitant to leave, but she's right—I've worn her out with my stories, and she needs to rest.

I hug her tight and she kisses my cheek. "I love you, Momma," I say in her ear.

"I love you, my sweet girl," Mom says. I kiss her forehead and leave with Uriah, not knowing that those would be the last words my mother would ever say to me.



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