Count On Me

Demanding Answers

SATURDAY, AUGUST 20, 2016 | 1:05 AM | TRIS

I feel heavy, worn down, as I trudge up the stairs to our apartment. Uriah's hand is on the small of my back; he has been touching me constantly, in one small way or another, like a hand on my arm or an arm around my shoulders ― since my encounter with Eric. Inside I am waging a war between a desire to assuage the guilt I see in his eyes for not being there, and anger that he wasn't there when I needed them. Because Uriah is always supposed to be there when I need him, and tonight especially, that had been understood. It is the reason that he was the designated driver tonight instead of taking a bus or Uber to the party, like we normally would.

He knows what it's like, the pressure of grief slowly crushing you as it builds and builds. The sensation that you are floating in nothing, in the vacuum of space, while simultaneously feeling as though you've fallen off your surfboard and the waves have taken you over, forcing you to tumble with no air and not knowing which way is up. To feel like you have no idea what to do, which way to turn, how to get your footing and desperately wanting anything at all to dull it, to slow it down, to dampen that sickening feeling.

He knows what it's like, and he wasn't there when I needed him.

I know it isn't really Uriah's fault. Zeke apologized for getting distracted, he had promised to watch out for me when he sent Uriah to walk it off after his own issues with Eric. On the other hand, Zeke is Uriah's brother. Uriah should be well aware of Zeke's tendency toward distraction.

After Four confronted Eric and Uriah burst onto the scene, Shauna led me to the bedroom she shares with Zeke to give me some time to calm down. I refused to show it in front of Eric and Four, but the incident had frightened me and I was shaking by the time Lynn slipped in behind us and Shauna shut the bedroom door.

A minute later Uriah was there, wrapping his arms around me while silent tears rolled down my face. I let him hold me, but I couldn't completely relax in his arms like I normally would. I didn't tell him everything like I normally would, didn't tell him how forward Eric had been, both with his words and his hands, and how trapped and panicked I felt. And I didn't tell him how having Tobias ― Four, I reminded myself, because I cannot allow myself to mix up the two persona ― come to my aid instead of the one man I have counted on these past two years, left me so confused and unsteady. How it amplified that feeling of not knowing which way is up.

After a few minutes Shauna shooed Uriah away from me and he promised he wasn't going anywhere as Shauna led me into the en suite. I could hear Lynn chewing Uriah out on the other side of the bathroom door while Shauna gently washed my face with a cool damp cloth and carefully reapplied my makeup. My head wasn't foggy any more; the entire scene with Eric sobered me like a bucket of cold water dumped over my head.

Uriah was glued to my side until we left the party an hour later, and I noticed Lynn keeping a close eye on us, always with a scowl aimed Uriah's way. I avoided the kitchen; every time I caught a glimpse of its doorway I got a strange feeling in my stomach remembering my conversation with Four there and didn't know what to feel. He had tried to help me before I could get myself into trouble, he had looked at me with such concern and confusion and... something else. And I didn't want to analyze it, didn't want to think about the memories that had flooded me when he touched my face.

And I definitely did not want to think about the way I treated him in response. I wasn't sorry at the time, but that was before.

I'm grateful that he helped me, even after I told him, not fifteen minutes earlier and in no uncertain terms, that I didn't want it. But it left me feeling confused, and I don't have the energy to process more emotions right now. Not when I was already drowning in them.