lucidity | shyland ✓

sixteen

chapter sixteen
tw: homophobia, violence

my foot tapped anxiously on the floor of the school canteen, stomach churning with nerves. buzzing beside me, my phone diverted my attention and the notification made me feel even worse.

garrett: are you sure you wanna do this??

no, i quickly replied, before sighing and stuffing it back in my pocket. the table jogged slightly and i looked up, seeing morgan out of breath with a confused andrew stood behind her. blonde hair slightly tousled from the day, her eyes flitted over to the popular girls table before finally falling back on me.

'is what garrett just told me true? you're actually going through with this?' andrew asked, eyes full with concern.

i bit my lip. 'just go, guys.' i said quietly, taking another look at the table where i should be sat. loren was sat on the edge of the surface, legs swinging and exposed by her short pink skirt, paired with a chanel white blouse. chad, one of the main quarterbacks, was leant against the table, talking to her. she giggled, tucking her hair behind her ear as he smirked.

'ryan—' morgan only called me this when she was worried about me. her eyes were wide as she fumbled with the hem of her white lettuce style top, that was lightly tucked into her oversized denim boyfriend shorts.

jutting my chin up, i sighed. 'i'll talk to you later.' her eyebrows furrowed and she grabbed andrew's hand, pulling him into the crowds of people in the hallways. i sighed deeply, feeling my stomach curdle at the thought of actually doing this.

was i really doing this? tearing my family apart for a boy in my dreams? surely not, i told myself a week ago, but today it seemed like the only right option i could take. awkwardly, mine and loren's eyes met across the canteen and she waved, hopping off the table and beginning to walk over to me.

'hey gorgeous.' she said with a smile, as if she hadn't just been flirting with the star member of the football team. her eyes flicked judgementally over what i was wearing. 'what the fuck is that?' she said, amusement lacing her tone as she picked at the oversized black t shirt i wore. i'd bought it far too big so it felt more like shane's clothes, and this somewhat made me become attached to anything that my small figure felt swamped in.

ignoring her question, i replied shortly, standing up so i felt a little less vulnerable sat down. 'i need to talk to you.' i told her, watching as my girlfriend of three years rose to my level. the girl who i thought i was in love with, yet really it was just this trained emotion that had been implicated onto me. it wasn't a heavy breathing, heart thumping, stomach-on-fire kind of love. no, it was a this is good for my family type.

she frowned as i looked nervously at my hands, before meeting her eyes. 'i'm not in love with you, loren. i think we should break up.' i blurted quickly, looking everywhere but her to avoid her reaction.

'what?' she choked, almost scoffing. 'this is because you've been hanging out with your slaggy sister and all of her little gay friends—'

'it has nothing to do with them.' i confirmed, shane appearing in my head, his blue eyes blinking innocently, lips pink and swollen. a cold, hard slap was all i got as a reply, echoing around the silent canteen. every one turned to look at us, my cheek stinging with pain, her false nails scratching my cheek.

'fuck you.' she spat, shouting. 'this is the biggest mistake you'll ever make. you can say goodbye to your designer gear sweetheart because you'll be going from riches to rags once my dad fires yours.' with that. she turned on her heel, storming off as a crowd of girls ran to her side, hands of comfort on her shoulder as the boys in our group sent me disgusted and ashamed looks.