Depression ~Michael Clifford

-27-

When they arrived back at the house no one knew what to do with the sleeping Michael leaned up against Luke's shoulder. They had been out in the sun for a while and hadn't had the opportunity to dig into the picnic Ashton had brought so they knew Michael needed some food and water in his system so he wouldn't pass out in the heat.

With that in mind Luke got the task of waking up the sleeping guitarist who was still resting against luke's side. "Mike, babe you gotta get up. We don't want you getting dehydrated." Michael was well aware what this meant.They wanted him to eat.

*Michael

The last thing I wanted was to have that stupid picnic. I'm exhausted why can't they just let me sleep and stay skinny,stay happy. Eventually I had to acknowledge their weak attempts at waking me up gently. I'm not sure why but when I woke up I was just pissed at the world. Call me a cranky baby for being pissed at my lack of sleep but at this point I'd rather sleep than be awake.

I feel like all I do when I'm awake is hating myself and being an annoyance for the rest of the band. Now without my nightmares I've finally gained access to a world where I'm happy. A place where depression or hate doesn't exist  and I don't ever want to leave it.

It's probably an unhealthy attitude to have but I can't stand the world I live in. I don't know how but in the short time span I was asleep my will to live completely drained from my body and now i was stuck in a numb state that left me barely conscious of the outside world and in no state to walk inside and eat lunch.

A normal reaction would likely be some kind of fear or panic but I was quite happy where I was floating right now with no real connection to the world. Maybe this was my fucked up mental state at the moment or it had something to do with the fact that it was scolding hot outside and i hadn't had a proper meal for awhile with some dehydration in the mix as well.

I don't know how I still had the strength to talk but I knew I needed help getting inside of the house and the guys were still waiting around for me to get out of the car so I voiced my inability to move.

"I can't." My voice surprised me. It was hollow and monotone like a recording of sorts, the boys seemed more worried than surprised and Calum looked downright scared the poor thing. I imagined that they would start harassing me with questions and concern but for once they actually remained calm and collected(with a tiny exception for Cal.)

Luke started stroking my hair soothingly while asking"What is it that you can't, babe?" I tried to move my head but it just sloppily fell to the side in an attempt to gain eye contact with Luke's baby blue eyes."I can't get up, I can't walk...I can't." I hated how weak I sounded, especially my last words that came out more of a whimper than anything else.

"Do you want us to carry you?" Ashton asked. You could easily see the confusion and a tiny hint of fear from his face even though he tried his best to hide it. I appreciated it anyway. It made me feel less broken and less like a project they they needed to fix. However I absolutely hated the feeling of being carried, it made me feel so extremely helpless and incapable of doing anything normal.

I let out a whine and shook my head"Can you just help me get inside? Please." The boys instantly agreed and Ashton lifted me out of the car, Luke and Calum following closely behind as Ashton carried most of my body weight until we made it to the couch by the living room.

Calum immediately went off to fetch me some snacks as well as a tall glass of water. Ashton left without actually announcing what he was doing but I assume it has something to do with informing dr, Jenkins. Luke however stayed by my side, I was now layed down on the couch with my head laid comfortably on his lap as he stroked my hair and humming a random tune.

This should probably be embarrassing or make me feel like some kind of toddler but it was just... nice. Once Calum had returned with my sandwich I was extremely close to dozing off but when the food arrived Luke forced me to sit up while they both sat around waiting for me to eat. The TV was now on  in the background I guess to make me feel less watched but to be completely honest it didn't help much.

I tried to just lay back down and drift off again but Luke had the audacity to pinch my thigh.Hard. I of course flinched and sat back up fast enough to cause whiplash and glared at the smug long haired dude beside me. He glared right back though which showed me he was not in the mood to argue about me finishing the sandwich.

"Eat it Michael." There was no question in his voice, just raw unfiltered authority and I'm not going to deny the fact that tingles shot through my body as he spoke. There was another part of me that wanted to bite back but I successfully contained it. Sometimes you just gotta pick your fights you know.

I started nibbling away at the sandwich and Luke's attention turned back towards the TV. By the time I was finished my dizzy spell was over and I was more in control of my body. That was when Ashton chose to appear from the stairwell, with MY phone in his hand. I didn't have time to dwell on how why and when he had stolen it since he gave the device to me with a frown on his face

"Michael, someone wants to talk to you."